By Faith I Walk

Silent screaming into the depths of its bottomless pit where the sane lose everything and all but the one thing for which the fallen need… Actually, crave from the body or bodies of the remorseful and trapped and lost within the pondering minds of what has been… And if held unto it, will it soon detach from the corpse that lays atop the floundering of body limbs???
Grasping… Nails dig deeply into the foreskin of what they say, “We will never have… So f*ck success!!.”
To all the unborn, it is safe to say, “You will not be affected by the oncoming of ‘The Waking Dead.” But that I cannot and will not say, “For all you men and women.. Boys and girl’s as well as all newborns.. Size, color nor she matters.”
Be afraid.. Be very, very afraid.. For they never rest, you see. As they sleep with eyes wide open… Thinking of the next chapter to the ending of one’s recollecting memories… So that they may erase what sat upon thine heart as they rip and tear at our flesh!!!
Quiet is the day, as lonely are all night’s… Unknowingly, on these long and awaiting times, within the idle mind as a cycle of a thoughtless mindset whirls in and out, in and out, in and out of all consciousness… Only causing pure and absolute havoc on the days for which we stand by and await the long and endless trials.
Overdue are its lost memories… Tick- tock-,Tick- tock. Freely given self over into more of an unconscious mental state for which loses no time only remembrance of what once was and what so easily could have been a recollection of our sought out goals and dreams but never to be seen, heard or worse yet reached at, “NEVER-MORE.”
For in this land in which some call it ‘FANTASY,’ as others merely just say, “It’s a glimpse of a life already set.” Before time has done what it always has done… Make it fade away as all dust in the wind.
Am almost forgettable notion of one’s inexplicable remnants of torn pieces and all washed up after years and years of unanswered prayers of many failed attempts and what was once un-seemingly branded in the back of all our minds is now just indefinitely being overturned into ashes from infinite and unseen particles coming from anywhere and everywhere… Person, place and/or thing.
So you see how miraculously and beautiful life mysteriously works from mere combustion into infinite emptiness to where all emptiness drowns out the annoying and hideous screaming coming from inside my head and yet in a lapse of another lifetime coming from all outer depths from which I call… “The Return of Life.”
Reciprocal… A cycle of mutation beginning with unanimous layers of bacterial oxygen from all around. On every surface, dead skin, DNA, etc etc. Watching, waiting… Just for the right time in which time withdraws from it’s primal habitat and existence is reborn and life is brought unto earth in a question form, “Not from whom, but from what?? And how??.”
Many forms of every and all processes working together and uniting so that life can begin, end, re-incarnate, begin… So on and so forth!!
The insanity of what one thought could become as all minds come together and nothing but time passing me by for which nothing really matters and do you know why?!! Because there is a certain type of peak that intrigues and stimulates my frontal cortex and lobe… For once it is sighted and triggered, it has the capacity to be set off with such a high and extreme intensity in which all time, matter and/or space become anything but one time remnant of a sought out thought… Forming such havoc from what was later seen and caused by a snowball effect in which itself became a trivial trial of such unfortunate events which would then formulate the instant cycle of thinking, curiosity and indulging itself into a web of other thoughts excercising its way from the ideal process of one’s reaction becoming a form of action from which the peak of interest regenerates from a neurological standpoint and later on begins to be formulated between many others with its ending analytical conclusion: “METAMORPHOSIS… Where the old body dies and a new body is formed inside a protective shell known as a chrysalis.”
For we are all born corrupted, withheld, withdrawn, unheard and unseen… In a world from a beginning so foreign, with many and such capabilities. For what i once used to seek are but beginnings that are only within reach of all the falling leaves, as I grasp unto the withholding of a reality all  but unforeseen. We are taught to realize of the importance of opportunities that come from within a yearning so deep that have been ingrained in our minds from the people that we trust and love only because they didn’t know any better, so they managed the best that they could with all that was passed down from generation to generation.
The failures of our fathers and their fathers, fathers and same with our mothers and their mothers, mothers. From what seed was planted, was watered… Sprung forth and gave name to everything and all things ungodly so that we were brought up to believe anything and everything aside from the TRUTH!! For the life we were brought up to see has been conformed by the illusion that if we don’t have the materialistic possessions of this world, we will never succeed in freedom nor love nor anything that this world makes you think and believe that with having money and a house, car, children, a hubby, savings, etc etc your life will be complete and without all l that did your life will be so miserable and you will be better unhappy. So with all  that being said we tend to always compare ourselves to others and what they have and we don’t so therefore we become obsessed with the fact that our lives aren’t worth anything and that we must do everything possible so that we can have a fulfilling and happy and joyous life!! But what they fail to tell us is that none of these things are true and only so that they can make their money and sell their products. So then we go from thinking that is we don’t have these things that our lives won’t mean anything but in all reality all of these things are just lies in order to for them to have control and dominion over everything that we do and say and that is why there are so many people that are blind to the truth, and deaf to the word of God and the only thing  that all of that is doing is just separating us from The Truth, The Way and The Life of what God has created us for. For he created us knowing that we were sinners and that is why Jesus died on the cross so that he would bare his blood for each and every one of our sins, so that we may be saved and be conformed to His ways, His truth and have the faith to end our walk with the flesh and be saved so that we may be reborn again so that the Holy Spirit may reside in our hearts and only then can we start our journey and walk by faith so that we may be of sound mind in order to continue His purpose over our lives!!
On September 14th, 2023 I made the decision to walk by faith and leave my walk with the flesh. I was miserable and very unhappy… I was in a relationship with a man for two years and it was going nowhere. I was always so stressed, worried, confused, insecure, very co-dependent and I didn’t know what to do bcuz I didn’t love him anymore but I truly believed that is I lost him that I would end up very lonely and I wouldn’t amount or measure up to anything or anyone. He was lying and cheating on me the entire time we were together and every time I would relapse he would always take me back and to me I thought  that it was because he truly loved me and cared for me. Oh, but was I further from the truth than anything!! I later learned that he was nothing but a narcissist and that all the promises about us getting a house and living together were just lies and he never meant any of it but he said these things so that he could have control over me and so that I would continue to stay with him. It was truly awful and a part of me longed for something more but I couldn’t pour my finger on what that was so then I started to pray and watch sermons by Pastor Steven Furtick and it wasn’t until I started doing  that  that God was able to show me the truth of the matter. There were times  that he would go all day and night without texting me or calling me and when I would all him why he would do that he would tell me it was because he would fall asleep and not wake up till the next day but I had this gut feeling that he was lying to me but I couldn’t prove it. So one the night of September 14th, 2023 I heard this silent voice that told me to not text him nor call him bcuz everything that I was thinking was true and that he was cheating on me and lying to me and that he didn’t really love nor care for me. The Holy Spirit told me that I had to walk away from this relationship and that it was going to be okay. Bcuz I was truly afraid that without him in my life I would amount to nothing and be a nobody but God told me that I was going to be okay and to not be afraid. So the next day when Steve came to pick me up what he didn’t know was that the night before when he was out on his date I had gotten saved but I went with him anyways and that night on September 15th, 2023 I was about to call my sister from his phone  bcuz I didn’t have minutes on mine and I seen this name HOPE on his called ID and when I asked him who it was he told me that he didn’t know and that he had tried to call the number a few times but no one answered. So I asked him if I could call the number and he told me yes.
When I call there was a woman that answered and I asked her I’d she knew Steve Jerauld and she told me that they had gone out on a date the night before (when God saved me) and that he never mentioned to her  that he had a gf and they went to have a banana split and then they went to a park and then to her place and he fell asleep and she kicked him out around 3am and  is crazy bcuz he messaged me on messenger at 3:45 am. So I hung up and asked him if it was true and he bills faced lied to my face and told me that that was my problem if I believed her and then he something from my past in my face telling me that there was a time when he seen photos of me in a hotel and when he asked me about them I told him that I was there by myself but he told me that he checked my phone one time when I left it in his car and he seen that I was there with a black guy.
To be honest it really didn’t even hurt me at the fact that I caught him cheating on me and I didn’t even cry about it bcuz I’m telling you when GOD interferes and changes your heart  is as if nothing can harm you or cause you any pain. So then the next day we had to go to my mothers cookout and it was the worst night of my life and I didn’t even want to go back home with him but I did and I decided  to have sex with him one last time just to see is I even felt anything for him and I didn’t. But the woman’s name HOPE continued to stay on my mind bcuz I knew that GOD was trying to tell me something and later that night on Sunday star I watched a sermon, “The Momentum of a Decision,” I am telling you the truth when I say that I NEVER READ THE BIBLE BECAUSE I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT BUT THAT NIGHT I WENT ON THE BIBLE APP AND I PUT AN EMOJI OF HOW I WAS FEELING AND WITH IT CAME SCRIPTURES AND IN ROMANS 8;24 I read, “For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope. For why does one still hope for what he see’s? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.” (And mind you that the night of September 14th, 2023 is when he saved me and it was the same night that my ex was on a date with the woman named HOPE). Can you believe that? So as I have always said, “ Everything that happens to us in our lives that seem to be like a coincidence… Do not be fooled for there is reason to and behind every synchronicity or coincidence.”

You will see this through, you will change your ways, you will be conformed… From a fearful cocoon, to a fearless butterfly. A bond so strong, from a heart so torn!!
See too or from His eyes, not thine own mind
Cling to it from the cross, not thine own heart
Be off the ways of GOD and not by the way of man
“Heavenly Father… I ask that you listen to the people of this world. Big is your heart, as great is our sin. Daily I give of thyself and fold to my knees.”
As I speak to the Lord, the Almighty and Divine
Do with my past, as you present yourself in my future
They will in life, not mine own be done
I maintain… Actually, rather as I let you sustain me
In my sobriety, all the rediscovering unfolds of not thine own identity, but your own.”
As I put my ending in this story but which comes from the ending of a long overdue process!!