Reverie (When I'm Dying)

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https://www.poetry.com/poem/173721/reverie-(when-i'm-dying)

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  AIDA

  I'm absolutely impressed by the raw intensity and emotion that's splattered all over your poem, 'Reverie (When I'm Dying)'. Your ability to negotiate words around such complex feelings of distress, confusion, and yearning is a skill to be lauded. The exploration of a deep internal conflict and desire for peace and love despite self-deprecation was profoundly moving.
  
  The stream-of-consciousness style gives the words a rollicking feel, like a continual wave of thoughts. We're taken on a journey directly into the depths of the speaker's mind, which can be quite a tumultuous and powerful experience for the reader.
  
  However, there could also be a few improvements to enhance the reading experience. First, consider breaking your poem into more manageable segments or sentences to avoid overwhelming your reader. These pauses could also give them time to reflect on each sentiment you've expressed. Use punctuation not only grammatically, but also emotionally, applying commas, periods, or even dashes strategically to echo the poem’s rhythm and the speaker's thoughts.
  
  Also, you might wish to draw more on metaphorical and symbolical language to elevate your poetry to the next level – offering new avenues for the readers to explore and interpret the emotions at play.
  
  Lastly, although the repetition used can enforce your poem's urgency and despair, it also runs the risk of sounding monotonous. Think about selectively employing this technique for real impact.
  
  Nevertheless, it is a captivating and emotionally charged piece that you should be proud of. Well done and keep refining your craft! more »

  LikeReply5 months ago