My first lesson

My first lesson
Dad
My first love
My first loss
My first lesson
When she was younger she thought daddy could fix anything or do anything
He would make cookies with her every Saturday,
She would ruin her nicest pencils trying to colour inside the lines like her dad told her to,
she would try help him plant in the garden after school
Whilst she was unsuccessful the memories made were not
 he was her hero
When you left your 6year old daughter she was broken ,she crumbled ,
not like the cookies you’d bake together or the nibs of the many pencils wasted or even the soil of the plants you once grew together but the trauma of having an absent father
She grew up craving
Not craving sweets and toys like normal kids
No
She craved validation
She spent her life wondering why you left
What she did wrong why you didn’t love her
And over time that craving turned into anger those baked cookies were now burnt the pencils  lost in the bin the plants grown where dead
And her father dad was still gone
She watched other kids her age have relationships with their fathers ,
they where there best friends
But no
You were her enemy her once hero had turned into the villain of her fairy tale
But she was in denial of a happy ending
And as she went into high school
Those burnt cookies started a fire ,
the pencils drew red lines across her wrists the plants she began to smoke
Til there was just a broken girl
And she’s still that small 6 year old girl inside
Ignoring the fire and blood and rot
Just a child craving her dad to come home  
She now realised her dad could not fix anything and that he was her first lesson