All be it

Sometimes you have to die just a little bit
If you’re looking for any hope to survive
Sometimes in order to thrive - feel the thrill of it -
You have to take a deep dive

Kill off a part of yourself, thinking it’ll make it alright
Threaten to take yourself out every night, thinking it’ll make the world right
Breathing in toxins, exhaling fresh air
Digging your grave - unknowingly aware
Breaths come too shallow, they thwart your attempts to swim
A weight pulls you down - and just for a moment, you’re aware of your sins
You awake to what’s dim, and up from your core surges a new urge to win,
A pulse seems reborn in the depths of your skin
One thought spirals in all of the din
“Survive, survive, survive,” I think

“I’m sorry,” I whisper
To nobody there
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I swear
But if I’m being honest, who actually cares?
I fight for my life, not yet ready to die
I send out thousands and thousands of spies -
Acting as my eyes, picking up on lies
And everyone swears they actually tried, and everyone vies for the “ultimate” prize
But the real first prize needs a reason to be mine
And my life seems so pointless, but it’s like nobody minds

So I pick myself up, I fight for my prize
I rope in my life and suck in the lies
Because on the bad days when I’m looking for praise
And I’m drowning in sorrows that are blocking my way
All I can do to survive is say, “Survive, survive, survive,”
While I manage a detour to the other side

Thriving feels like another life, in another mind, that was never mine

People who would never turn back time, they let things go
They’re in control
And their minds have found balance - albeit not all the time

I envy them, I do
‘Cause I’m just surviving, while others are thriving
And yes, there are people out there, starving
Yes, there are people out there, dying
And here I am, and at least I’m trying
But my mind is starving, and my soul is tired, and my brain’s been fired
For thinking too much
My body is dying from all that I’m hiding
And if this is surviving, it’s not good enough

I hunger for more and still they point to the door,
As if I don’t know the way to my own gravestone, in the yard where I’ll soon stay
“Save me,” I pray
“I’m sorry,” I say
But why am I sorry, the stigma is dying
They’re the ones who should be apologizing
They’re part of the reason I’m only surviving

I’m sorry for what? I’m sorry for trying?
No, I’m not sorry, I’m thankful I’m alive
I’m thankful that, although I’m dying, I still have strength to try

But when will I finally realize that I shouldn’t just have to survive?
It’s not enough to be on the run, always having to hide
It’s not enough to just not show up, to make sure they don’t think I lied
It’s not enough to overthink, or drown myself in pools of drink
It’s not enough to go to bed high, trying to numb the pain of my life

And I’m so glad we’re fighting, but we can’t just be surviving
‘Cause there’s too much of a difference
Between surviving and thriving