The Unworthy Survivor

The Unworthy Survivor

Always fear and never ask why is what the world and the church gave me. One called me Unworthy the other called me a Survivor and then as if they worked together they set me on a journey, to walk the straight and narrow. The straight and narrow? The straight and narrow is full of curves, bumps, and a lot of hidden trails. When the only training you've ever had sends the message you are so small, it should be no surprise that I ran into the first arms that opened wide.

I have dirty hands, naive eyes, and shaky legs. There are a thousand lives I have lived and all I carry from them is shame. A moment of happiness begins them all, then its gone, and all that I can see is the drop. The Drop of their mouths at all of my bad decisions and the drop of the arms that promised me love.

There is power in words and in the wrong hands death will follow. I began to walk before I could crawl,  I became an adult before I was a child and I became a Survivor before I ever knew I was a Victim. Does that sound familiar?

Death came for me once, but no one else could see it. I wanted to run, I wanted to hide, I wanted to float away to the sky, but I did not want to die. I did not want to die and yet I could not make myself breathe.

Light shines in the darkness but the darkness cannot see. It was my darkness that could not see and it was my darkness that demanded my life. I did not need more darkness, even if it came with the best of intentions. When left alone, with the right instructions, God sends his son to walk in the fires with the broken hearted.

A lifetime of proclaiming a savior that I truly did not know and proclaiming titles that were never truly mine had led me to this moment. Death cannot take what it doesn't own but it will hold you hostage and pass you around.

There is so much light to my story, but that is not where he found me. He found me alone, broken, reading a bible that I did not understand struggling for every breath that got into my lungs.

I can see the pain in your faces, I can hear your children cry, but I can't save you. The greatest verse I ever read told me that even Jesus wept. In the silence of your darkness I am calling out for love to wrap its arm around you and pour out the truth on you