Fetch Me

I would like God to come fetch me

Cos if I take my own life

Too many people will feel regret, sorrow and an unanswered or indescribable pain constantly popping up whenever my name, face or a memory appears.

I just want God to come fetch me

I'm too tired to be empty all the time

Yet too full of thoughts running around in my mind.

I feel battered and brushed

I'm starting to make people unhappy

With my depression

My emotions

My yearning for comfort

But it seems as if I am just being selfish

Why does everything need to revolve around my hurt, pain and unhealed trauma

"Just let go of your past", people say

But it's not a rope that I need to unclench my fist around

I'm tired of these anxiety and panic attacks

I cannot unsee the things I see when I'm going through those traumatic experiences

It's flashbacks that haunt me

I want God to come fetch me

Cos When I want to rest

I still see it

I can never fully live

I'm too messed up, and it's only getting worse

I might be 1 in a million

That dies where people think

I'm not supposed to die

Or "she still had her life to live"

It feels as if I have lived multiple lives

Hench the constant déjà vu moments

What can I say

I messed up

And if I need to die to fix it

Then...

I would like God to come fetch me