A Broken Life

You led me to anorexia,
And body dysmorphia, too,

Now my insecurities,
Have followed me my whole life through;

You instilled in me everything that was,
So clearly vain & all wrong,

Like worth was the face that people see,
And without that you do not belong;

I never felt like I measured up,
To a single thing wanted of me,

You made me feel like ‘the bad apple’,
When inside, the real treasure was me;

Your words and actions led me down,
A road to abuse & despair,

All I ever wanted of you,
Was one damn thing showing you cared;

You always were right, you could not be wrong,
You threw those lies into my face,

All I wanted was to feel your love,
But then everything else took my place;

You had no room in your heart for me,
Or maybe you don’t have a heart,

A million tears fell from my eyes,
Until I left home, life didn’t start;

But still your words affected me,
To this day they still play in my head,

Everyone got the family I craved,
I felt I was better off dead;

And now in the mirror, all I see,
 Is ugliness & all that is wrong,

You conditioned me to be this way,
Now this hollowness continues on;

For decades I’ve tried hard to erase,
The non-values you instilled in me,

I fight hard to hide it from my kids,
But I know deep down they DO see;

I long for love, I long for warmth,
I long for other’s unselfish love,

Because of all I missed in my life,
That led me to only selfish love;

Relationships are hard for me,
I keep getting dealt a crappy hand,

I now look for everything I lost,
From my parents now, in a good man;

I just wanted a childhood,
A place to feel normal and free,

Instead I grew up far too fast,
And look at where that has led me;

I was never dumb, I was always brave,
And everything you said were lies,

But certain things won’t vacate my head,
You did this, yet I’m doing your time.