Why I flinch

You ask me why it is, that I flinch
With every sudden movement
That I don't see coming Like I expect to be hit
It's a leftover reaction
Like a residual tic,
A predetermined mechanism
Physically attempting to defend my physical self
For at the hands of another
My body has been beaten, been broken and battered
My heart has been shattered
My spirit through and through has had it
Now I have to
Sit here and explain to you
Why I sit with my back to the wall of every room
And why I'm afraid of my own shadow
And if the volume is loud enough
Even at laughter I cower
Because My mind doesn't decipher between
Sad ,happy  ,or mad laughter lll
 the ptsd that envelopes me
Is like an unseen deformity Of my brain
When I'm triggered
I'm stuck in the moment of my trauma
And I'm reliving it again.
So when I hide my face
And tuck in my chin
Shudder when your fingertips brush against my skin
Know it comes from someplace deep within
Someplace between the past and how long before it happens again?
I know you say how could I think this of you
But , he said he would never too!
Each and every time his fist or open hand
Made contact with my bare skin
I felt all at once the sudden shock and disbelief
Immediate denial
That this broken girl was me
I guess I had to learn that lesson repeatedly
So when you ask me why
I'm a jumpy ball of nervous energy
And why I'm always flinching
It's because the ptsd has crippled me
And this is what is left of me
Existing in the fear
That is my reality
There is no more room
For Empty I love yous
Only final goodbyes
Permanent and absolute
As is the pain I try so hard in vain to disguise
But the truth is I cannot hide
The truth that is such a sad truth
But a truth nonetheless that is mine
And I don't have it in me Even one single inch
Of doubtful benefit
So the reality is
This is the answer to your question
The  reason why I flinch