My Death

I was the first to hold her
Mother exhausted
Asleep moments following the birth

She fit in the palm of my hand
I held her tiny, warm body against mine
Looking upon her
looking into a mirror
Our blood is a part of one another
This comforted me

The following years were full of love
An ever-present emotion embodied us completely
No matter the distance, a connection
Never to be broken

Her eighteenth birthday was approaching
We had been avoiding each other for days
Each seemed an eternity

Late one night the phone rang
With tones harsh and relentless
A time when a call comes only
Bearing words of trouble or tragedy
Unable to calm myself
Knowing I must answer her call

Before answering
My thoughts were filled
With guilt and punishment

How could I have allowed her
To be the one to shift before me
Bearing witness to
Our recently fractured connection
Reaching out to me with courage

I answered the call
It was not her
But my identical twin brother
With a message firm and non-negotiable
“It is time to speak with your niece”

Phone in hand
Sitting in the quiet
I could not respond
He repeated himself
Then hung up on my silence

We meet at her parent’s home
Outside in the quiet
Undisturbed
No distractions

We began where we left off
Each grounded in our own position
Struggling to listen
Defensiveness reigning

Unwilling to compromise
We surrendered to the impasse
Agreeing to postpone for another day

Despite all
Without hesitation
She expressed her unwavering love
But I was stubborn and prideful
No forgiveness or compassion within me
I lowered my head and said nothing.

She turned away and hurried into the house
Crying out to her mother
“He won’t say I love you”

I stood frozen with unbearable sadness
All sense of reality gone
Our connection severed

She was sobbing
I could feel her torment
It coursed through my body
Penetrating my soul

Our connection now
A lightning bolt of pain
I turned and walked away.

I died that day