Groundcover

Groundcover
I was groundcover.
You hate yourself so much
That you don’t understand that I love you
I care for you,
And I want you
But you render my feelings invalid
You are incapable of understanding
Other people
Because the self hatred you harbor, is
More important than anyone could ever be
Sadly, I understand your feelings of insignificance,
I have felt them too
Sometimes I still do.
It's a familiar feeling, it's the one that feels like home.
It is a false sense of security, your make believe safety net
Anyways, the familiarity keeps you centered
And you won't ever need to question yourself.
Still, meddling in these types of feelings and thoughts are dangerous
For the more you believe in them, the longer they will stay
And in the end, they might never go away.
It's a fragile path you walk, much like your sense of self.

Yet, when the physical home is a place where your mother have free reins, to hit you, to beat you, and verbally abuse you - I think I would have believed those things too.
If your brother could dictate you, assault, and break you - I think I would have believed those things too.
And your father didn't have to care, so foolishly unaware, showing his love in coin - I think I would have believed those things too.
When the physical home can assault your inner being and very soul - I think I would have believed those things too.

And so,
You were never enough.

Except

you were to me
You were a safe space, a secret haven
A person I loved
A person for me
Not like a lover, rather
an eternal friend
Through life and pain,
 you were my rain
Because you washed it all away.
Not like summer rain after a warm day, no
You were a blend of autumn and spring, you'd rain and the grass would smell again.
The drops on the leaves would prickle down my neck.
And as you poured
your love
like droplets tearing open the waters surface, you tore down my walls.
As the water you were,
you
erode through us,
making pathways through my bones
settling deep in my core,
You my friend
I, your forever home.
'Cus if you were rain, I'd be the mist that comes after it,
and you were watching the cloudcover envelop the sky,
as I evaporated and rose to the sky.
But you stayed,
amongst groundcover.

And I told you proudly
that I had healed
I was growing once more,
and that I needed you to grow too
To join me
on my journey,
where it could be
us
two
But you declined,
Again and again
I tried forcing you, and
To stunt my growth
To pull you up from the water,
Where you once had found me drowned.
Yet you refused
and refused
What a devastating defeat.

I know the blame lies with me
I hurt myself
I saw potential in you
And wanted you to grow,
To be the best person
You
Could ever be -
But that was never for you.
You liked it down there
 amongst groundcover,
oh my lover
Your own body of water,
thinking you were laying with me
For I was groundcover
Was means
"I used to be".
The last line of defense,
To defend
I almost killed myself
Wishing on fae
I fell in a well.
With no chance of escape
Except your belief in yourself,
You could have saved me
But your lack of credence
Sealed my faith.
You watched as I drowned in the rain I used to love, but these weren't droplets prickling down my neck, this was hail (hell).
And as it poured
Pieces of ice
Punctured my heart
Tore through my soul
My brain scattered
Amongst groundcover.
The water that used to flow through us
like the essence of life
was now my personal torture device.
With a pain so raw
Without a fraction of skin left on these crumbling bones
Out of the well I crawled,
All bloody and used
Here I lay myself down
Amongst groundcover.

I have never met your mother,
But she has called me twice.

Now I sit and await your ultimate demise.

As you curl your body
Into my chest
I feel you relax.
Your body untangles
Take a deep breath
Here you lay
Amongst groundcover.
You're like a newborn child
In the arms of a mother
But I
Not even a lover.
I could strike to kill
But haven't decided if I will.
For here you are
Vulnerable,
In my arms.
You feel a safety, you cannot compare
Your life in my grasp
So totally unaware.
That I could kill you
Or twist your mind
Drive you insane
Or kill you just the same.
Instead I sober up, like an old soul does
Laying my anger dead.
I choose to hold you,
Like your mother never would
I embrace you
And become what she never could
I want to nurture you,
make you feel things you never could -
not sexually - I never would.
You're a free spirit
And I want to feel like a home,
A sanctuary for your soul.
Your real home is the forest
But I don’t think you know that yet.
I stroke your hair
And your shoulders fall,
Child of the forest may I be your home, at least ‘til you learn how to walk on your own?

I should have known our days were numbered,
I knew it when I said -
you have to come with me or I will leave for good.
You made your choice clear
And fast away
I went.
I let you lay on your own,
amongst groundcover.

But as the egotistical woman that I am,
just like your mother, I couldn't be alone
I had to come back
To snatch you
To force you
To alter our paths.

This position you've put me in is dangerous,
I'd love to mother, but I am mad,
I could kill this
groundcover,
Isn't this your home?
I don't care
And you
Still so ridiculously unaware.

I want you to feel my wrath
But all I feel is indifference.
You have reached out
time and time again,
to say thank you for my service -
for being your best friend.
I know I was a friend to you, but you were not to me
You took away,
the purest part of me.
For at the end of the day
I must admit
it took long to understand
that water never grows,
it simply stays the same.
I know your mother beat you,
she probably still do.
I left you as you shared
the most hurtful part of you.
I hope you can forgive me
For now I have to go.
The privilege you possess,
Your erosion of paths through my bones
You still never saw
Me
All raw.

Well I don't love you
anymore
I don't answer,
When you call out for me
I feel you in my entirety
I know you scream it to the night
Whisper it into your pillow,
Cry it, hiding under your sheet.
I used to care for you,
but I set those feelings free.
Still I'm always a step ahead
Of you
Screaming
What you're supposed to do.
You call me a witch,
Cus as it turns out, I am always true
I know you better
Than you will ever know yourself.
I wish I could say the same for you
But you barley know my name.
For I don't think I ever was
Groundcover.
To me,
you were rain,
and you washed the hardship away.
But I let you stay too long,
And you drained yourself washing me away
Killing us both.
What used to be a quiet stream
of tears down my face
have become river of tears
drowning me all the same.

I wish I could feel for you,
I have forced to feel before,
downpour.
It doesn't work anymore.
I'll let you be groundcover
If I can set you free
Here I lay dead
Beneath the trees.
In
The
Forest?
Isn't
This
Your home?