Selfish Walks

Despite the warm air & the sun that almost tickled the hairs on his face
His arms stayed wide open && I could see the ember light deflecting off the sand back onto my lace dress
His eyes locked with mine & seemed to be full of remorse && unfulfilled promises
I couldn’t decourse him if I wanted to
He walked the soft path of crystal blue water firsthand touched by grains merged
Which although beautiful it reflected, it made me uncomfortable
I almost prayed that this beach would envelop a cyclone & destroy this moment, so I would never have to live it
To meet my father & to dethrone every memory I have whipped up in my consciousness would be too real
The amount of black venom in my blood of hate cannot be lifted & become pure by a simple yellow light of faith
I conceal my thoughts and smile
Maybe for this one moment I can pretend
Afterwhile it’ll be over and I’ll have my closure and maybe I’ll reprehend myself
Maybe I’ll forgive myself or forgive him
He was young, I was the beginning of the end, a paradox
A black and white topic of gray arenas, a monochrome picture box
He’s getting closer
Reaching for a hug I can’t stand to embrace
My face tossing & turning, nerves yearning for escape
I breathe
I almost forgot to, breathe
A vortex of emotions coursing through my veins as I breathe
Michael?
He goes to grab me into his arms and the wind around me picks up a whisper of loneliness
Gods holiness questioned
Was this some sort of test or for me to again repress my love?
The clasp of warmth I anticipated, left lingering in the breeze
I squeeze my arms to feel an ounce of vanity
I knew he wasn’t there and yet I let myself believe that one day I’d reach for him & my finger tips would be answered with love
A prayer to above that my beloved would one day come for me
May I find peace within myself && succumb my longing for his company