Life’s worth living

‘LIFE’S WORTH LIVING!!!’ I’VE HEARD IT AS LOUD AS IF BELL’S RINGING…BUT IT WAS A CRUSHING SENSATION RATHER THAN A PLEASANT ONE OVERWHELMING AS IT TRAVELLED THROUGH MY VERY BEING… BOUNCING BACK LIKE IF IT HIT THE INVISIBLE WALL COMING BACK WITH STRONGER FORCE INSIDE AGAIN…TO NEST THE PAIN AND BEAR IT FOREVER ‘LIFE’S WORTH LIVING!!!’

NOW THE LIVELY SOUND OF THE BELL DIDN’T EXIST… REPLACED BY A SOUND OF HARDLY EVER HEARD IN MUSIC TRIANGLE… IT WAS JINGLING AND IT WAS ODD… I SAID WHO ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU? WHO WAS WHISPERING THESE BEARLY BUT STILL HEARD WORDS ‘LIFE’S WORTH LIVING’ WHEN I COULDN’T SOMEHOW BELIEVE OR RATHER ACCEPT THE FACT THAT LIFE COULD BE OR WAS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE TO LIVE IN.

SURROUNDED BY NOTHING BUT WAILING OF SIRENS AND SOUNDS OF SCREAMING, THE CALAMITIES OF MY EVERYDAY LIFE. I DIDN’T THINK LIFE’S WORTH LIVING. I’D SEE PEOPLE PASSING, RUNNING…THE LAUGHTER WASN’T A PART OF THIS CHAPTER, NEVER TO BE LIVED OR SECRETLY CHERISHED AT ALL. NO ONE’D GATHER ON THE CORNERS OF THE STREETS TO EXCHANGE THOUGHTS, PLANS WEREN’T MADE TO BE SHATTERED…

LIVING FOR SURVIVING WAS OUR DAILY BREAD, WHAT WE WERE ALL PUT DOWN HERE TO DO. AT LEAST WE THOUGHT THAT WAS THE CASE. FEARFUL OF WHAT ANOTHER DAY COULD BRING, IF IT COMES, WHEN IT COMES. LIKE A SPEAR AND SNEER SOUNDED THE WORDS ‘LIFE’S WORTH LIVING’ WHEN THE LIVING WAS ALL BUT AT STAKE. LIFE COULD’VE BEEN EASIER TO BEAR IF I HELD YOUR HAND BUT THERE I WAS WIDE AWAKE. ALONE. AFRAID.

IT WASN’T COLD WINTER’S NIGHT BUT I SHIVERED LIKE IF I WAS COUGHT BY THE SYBERIAN BLAST. I’D FETCH SOME WOOD TO START THE FIRE…IT’D ALWAYS BURN BUT MY DESIRE TO CARRY ON WAS WEARING OUT…I DIDN’T KNOW WHO I’D BECOME…I DIDN’T HAVE THE STRENGHT TO KNOW. STOP. FIGHT OR FLIGHT? MY BELLY’S RUMBLING MY BODY’S ACHING. WERE WE LOOSING THIS TIME, TUMBLING DOWN? COULD WE STAND UP. FIGHT.

IT MUST’VE BEEN MIDDAY AND I’VE HEARD A KNOCK ON MY DOOR …A PERSON WAS LOOKING AT ME AND TRYING TO FIND CHARITY IN MY BEING BUT WAS IT ALL GONE? HAVE I LOST IT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY? WAS I UNABLE TO GIVE AS TOO MUCH WAS TAKEN AWAY FROM ME? HOW FOOLISH THIS WORDS SOUNDED THEN ‘LIFE’S WORTH LIVING’ IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY IN THE FACE OF WAR? ‘LIFE’S WORTH LIVING’? OR NOT AT ALL?

SOON ENOUGH I FOUND A DARK DEEP PLACE STARTED OPENING LIKE A CAVE INSIDE OF ME CALLED ‘NEED’…NOW I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO TURN AND LOOK INTO MY WORN AND FORLORN FACE…AS I HAVEN’T SLEPT FOR DAYS …WAS I GETTING CLOSER TO WHERE YOU WERE? ALL I KNEW I FELT ALONE THOSE DAYS…WAS THERE ANY CHARITY FOR ME IN YOU? I DIDN’T KNOW I’D TAKE THE SAME STEPS YOU DID TO MY DOOR TOO ONE DAY.  

NO LATER THAN I THOUGHT OUR STREETS BECAME A CHAOS…I SAW PEOPLE RUNNING INTO PEOPLE AND THE TRACE OF HUMANITY WAS GONE IN A BLINK OF AN EYE AND I STARTED FEELING FAINT LOOKING AT THIS WILD WILD WORLD THEN…IS IT THE END? EVERY STORY HAS THE ENDING BUT I COULDN’T LEAVE OURS ENDING THIS WAY…WAS PEOPLE’S DIGNITY ERASED? THE BELL CONTINUED REPEATING ’LIFE’S WORTH LIVING’

WE NEVER ASKED BUT LISTENED. ANSWERED. OBLIGED TO BE POLITE TO THE TROOPERS FROM THE FOREIGN LAND. CAPTIVE. NOT CAPTIVATED BY THEIR SIGHT. WE’D BURY OUR HEADS LIKE AN OSTRICH IN OUR HANDS READY TO TICK AND TOCK LIKE THE ARMS OF THE CLOCK OR RISK OUR LIVES. A MINUTE PAST TWELVE. WE WERE TOO LATE. THE FREEDOM WE LONGED FOR WAS GONE. PAST THE REACHING POINT. DEAD END ROAD.

I TOOK BREATH IN, I SUCKED IT IN. I HELD IT FOR A WHILE. I COULDN’T BRING THE FREEDOM BACK. WAS IT TOO FAR AWAY? I FOUGHT THAT DAY AND OTHERS DID. THEY STOOD UP SAID NO MORE. SOME LOST THEIR LIVES SOME LOST THEIR PRIDE. THEY TURNED BACK, RUN AWAY. BUT THOSE WHO STAYED AND SHED THEIR BLOOD FOR OTHERS SAID WITH PRIDE WE HAVE OUR HOME, WE HAVE OUR LAND AND LIFE’S WORTH LIVING NOW.

BY IZZY BISEK

IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY GRANDAD AND
ALL THE SOLDIERS (written: 31.10.2017, published on LinkedIn: 11.11.2017)