Feelings

feelings
they’re so hard to understand so hard to comprehend. why do i feel drowned out in them. searching for the light wondering why i can’t grasp it.
 
have all my pain and traumas finally got me? will i lose the battle or will i get through? my vision and mind so clouded with thoughts but yet sometimes i feel happy.  im confused.

 sometimes im lost other times im not. still trying to figure out these feelings that its
now causing me frustration. and the same question that keeps popping up is why?

why? do i feel these ways so astray, burdened with grief.
wondering what would have happened if he hadn’t gone but none the less i still have to live on.

with my chest up high but still there’s a hole. so deep inside me that nobody knows. a empty space that cant be filed. well really two so yes sometimes i feel blue.
 
the world doesn’t understand, they think im weak but really if they were me they couldn’t stand on their feet.

im no stranger to pain but that doesnt mean that it dont feel the same. the same cycle the same hurt. family member after the next i wish that i could at least send a text.

to let them know ive missed their presence.

feelings are so intense.

thats why i cannot be consumed. instead keep my head up high while they watch from above the moon.

from the heavens their expectations probably running deep. i know i haven’t been the best i could be. but im still trying and hoping that ill turn out right. maybe one day ill be this person in their image that they pictured so bright.

inspiring, loving, intelligent girl, beautiful, knowing her worth. so that any man or boy that comes in her path that is not righteous, she’ll know shes worth more then just some jezebel.
and more than just a stepping stool.

a stepping stool for him to step on and go to next. to leave her in distress. so again shes questioning herself why as if she hadn’t already gone through enough.

they would would want her with a picture perfect man. one that could hold her hand publicly and privately, protect her through an apocalypse, treat her lovely never to raise a fist or voice at her, a God fearing God loving respectful man.

and that i will have if i follow the right path, to not be encaged in the feelings of weary and gloom, but loved by God and myself, knowing that these are all just the obstacles of the great things he has planned for me.