my thoughts get the best of me

it’s on a daily basis
when I wake up, when I go to sleep
I feel like the walls are closing in on me, I can’t breathe

my room is on fire and im steady setting it ablaze, the thoughts in my head replay over and over and never go away

to me he’s a breathe of fresh air, but I set that on fire too by not being clear, my mind is playing tricks on me, it’s full of chaos, can I fix this?, will I break us?, im just overthinking, it’s going to be okay, that’s what I’m told but it doesn’t feel that way.

im lost and im found, when I’m not on fire I feel like I’m being drowned, I lay in bed at night, but I never fall asleep, the world is  spinning and yet again I can’t breathe.

my depression comes in waves, it takes me out to sea, the pressure of it all, when will I be free? can I make one last call? that’s how this has to be.

he doesn’t know but he brought back some of my sparkle, sometimes I wish I could start over, be a different person, instead of constantly fighting for survival.

I’m constantly in a state of fight or flight, the plane took off but it never landed, eventually when it does land there’s nothing left but damage

I wish I could explain what goes on inside my head, it’s really such a marvel, except my depressive thoughts are like a virus that only want to spread

I can see light at a distance, it’s calling out to me, im slowly floating to the top like a piece of debris, my dad always told me “never give up” he’s said “it’s key”

but even my dad stopped trying, what’s that mean for me?
I want to destroy all the locks and throw away the keys, but if I do that then I also loose the pieces of me

im floating like a bobber, the water engulfs everything around, waiting for something to pull me too far under, until I can’t hear a sound

im drowning in a fire, that even ice cannot freeze, I wish I could flee, I blame a lot on my father, he was never good to me

it’s a fight everyday in such an unhealthy way
I want to keep going, keep floating, but my emotions are too controlling and taking the best of me

my anxiety makes me shake, it’s makes the world opaque
my heart is beating so fast, how long will this last?
the weight of everything, it’s a deadly thing

as much as I try to keep up, I know I’ll never truly feel free
there’s no escaping this, I try to reminisce
on the times I was happy but now my mind is a dark abyss

im constantly fighting rage,
it takes the best of me,
i say things I don’t mean
that’s not who I want to be

I’m a referee, trying to play a game
when I’m my only opponent
I’m trying my best to win but there’s no guarantees
it’s me vs me

the good memories are faded, and they’re all in disarray, there’s too much darkness, it’s overpowering, it keeps pulling me away

like the line on the end of the bobber feels strong until it eventually snaps, I pray that never happens but who knows what’s next?

im angry at this world, where to even begin,
my childhood betrayed me, everytime I think about it my head spins

sometimes the light gets brighter but it also goes dim
I’m circling the drain, my chances are slim
praying for change, when does this end?

I know what I’m capable of so why does it seem so hard?
to face the demons in my head, maybe I’m just too scarred

as much as I want to give in, I know I have to fight
at the end of every tunnel there’s always light

im stronger than I think, I’ll rise to the top, I will not sink, I can make it out of this no matter how long it takes

or will I have to say goodbye to the people I still love, I wonder… what will be my fate?