At Nineteen

I remember being Nineteen,
And wishing I could die.
But at that time,
I couldn't explain why.

Now I know
It was just the thought,
That mom & I
Had constantly fought.

And I felt that I
Could never measure up
To all that she was,
And all that she had taught.

There were other things too.
Like trying to find my future-
While stuck in the past.
And Beautiful Relationships that did not last.

Needless to say,
My thoughts would always stray.
I was smoking too much weed,
And I couldn't find my way.

I had high hope,
But with weed, I could not cope.
With the ups & downs of life.
I even bought a rope!

Because the thought of having
To live this life alone
Felt to me like an Endless Eternity
At Nineteen.

I didn't even know
HOW I would make it through,
All the future decades,
I was NOT looking forward to. . .

At Nineteen,
I felt I had no friend,
I so wished my sad life,
Would somehow just end.

I couldn't say the reasons,
I really had no clue.
But today I now know,
What I was going through.

Trauma caused by addiction,
My life was a Living Hell.
This poem is no Fiction.
This is the truth I tell.

It was also my bad choices,
Not knowing how to cope
With childhood trauma that tagged along
While I tried all kinds of dope.

I somehow thought addictions,
Would help me find my way,
To the Life I've always dreamed of,
To the Life I have today!

But it took YEARS of counseling,
It took YEARS of prayer,
To recover from addictions,
To begin to even CARE!

I DO NOT recommend-
The way I've lived my life.
But it is what it was,
And it's what I have done.

Today I am so grateful,
To finally find my way.
To no longer being hateful,
And to live a better day!