Heart of despair

They say your family are people who are there to protect
There to help you when you need to be saved
They’re meant to wipe your tears whenever you’ve wept
But why do I feel like when I’m around them I’m enslaved

I’m meant to cry to them about the people who’ve  hurt me
But instead I cry to myself about them
Why can’t I just accept and see
They will never love me but make me condemned

No matter how hard I love
And how many times I’ve showed it
I cannot fly higher above
Instead I stay here and sit

My love is one-sided  and I’ve tried to believe
That I don’t love them or need them or want them to see
But I want them to know that I can achieve
I want them to see me for who I want to be

Whether a fighter or a writer or an author or more
Or maybe just a student a child to be adored
No matter where I am or where I go
I want them to see and I want them to know
That I do not love them even though my heart denies
That I do not need them  the lie of all lies
That I do not want them how they don’t want me

But I have stupid feelings and they’ve filled me with sadness as I grieve
For a family I want,I need and so more
But they won’t give me the love I adore
Instead they’ll bring me down like the birds who threw stones
Even if I’m good hearted it no longer shows
Cause they’ve hurt me and cut me with scars that go deep
Not ones that are visible but ones that run and creep
Up In my mind like a storm that is brewed
One that I can’t escape as it’s not new
It’s old and it comes when I’m in the Darkest of minds
When I’m crying alone in the darkness subsides
My heart that is hurt and is cut ands been seared
A heart that is broken unlike yours my dear
It’s been taken and thrown like a bag of old bones
It’s been abused and used more than your loans
And it hurts to know that I gave them this once
When it was full and bright and prancing like a dunce
It’s been darkened and burdened with more than it can bear
And I can’t stop it now the darkness has beared
It’s spread and unfolded faster than I can see
It’s no longer a heart but a chamber that I keep
Locked and guarded so that no one can enter
Cause I know this world and the cruelty doesn’t relent.
It hides and prays until your weak and sore
I’m used to it by now my love so now I can assure
I’m no longer the me that you once knew
The smiley one with laughs and dances piled up waiting to be explored
I’m this new person who doesn’t smile who doesn’t cry who doesn’t feel and wants to die
But I don’t
I just want to kill the part that’s making me feel so weird.
But it’s not really weird
What’s weird is that I care
For these people in life who don’t wanna be there
For those people in life who I wanted to love
But they have now lost me
I have opened my eyes to see
That if they don’t want me and don’t need me and more
Neither should I for them because I have closed that door
The door to my heart which I protect at all costs
The door that is locked shut because I don’t wanna feel
The feelings I know so well that have become some sort of an ordeal
Like an ongoing play or a movie or more
My heart is broken and cut and is sore
My love is lost in the depths of this abyss
I can never feel what I felt before and no I do not miss
The affection and care I showed
Cause it never came back to me like it was meant to
Karma worked in a different way
This is what it was meant to do
They backfire on your own wicked plans
So everyone you know can see
I am not apart of you
I have become the new me.