I imagine too much

I imagine too much
My mind creates previsions of everything
It “knows” I’m going to make the team,
It “knows” he’s going to talk to me,
It “knows” I’ll get into that school,
It “knows” I’ll make it through;

My mind vivifies like a writer,
It shows me where when and how,
It likes to have me enraptured,
It narrates the picture aloud,
“You’ll be sitting on that chair,
So and so will be there,
You’ll open the results and shout,
‘I never had a doubt!’”

My mind gives me excessive hope,
akin to that of Jay Gatsby;
It assures me that the best is coming
And anything less is impossible,
It tells me to trust it
because its claims are indisputable;

But my mind is unreliable,
It loves to fool me,
It lifts me exceedingly high up,
Only to push me down deep;

It is cunning and deceptive,
It makes me hate the world,
Makes me blame fate for having me cheated,
When in truth it is the one who stirs
the games that leave me defeated;

My mind holds my fatal flaw,
Its red hands are raised high,
But I don’t have the courage or the will
to reach out and begin to tie;

And now I’ve pushed past the branches and leaves
And dug past the concealing soil,
I’ve revealed the roots of the tortured tree,
Found the source of its turmoil;

My finger, searching to point,
Must turn towards me if it is honest
Because it is my own doing, my own fault
That I imagine and imagine.