What a Jest…

Life if just collapsing around me… and seemingly something else is falling into its place….

I’m not even family… yet I feel fucking obligated to help people who wouldn’t lift a finger to help me… no one around me to surround me and lift me above this… dread and decay…. As I surely do for them… over and over again.

Then today…

More death….

Upon these deaths that I am feeling… I am reeling and crying out for the Divine… but whispers “in due time”.

I feel useless… unappreciated… like I don’t matter… and used. And… loved? A fucking fantasy that’ll only be an illusion all of my incarnation..

While I am aware that if you do- love me too… it’s just this overwhelming feeling from my entire life that keeps being confirmed… and I’m a piece of shit for having feelings… and feel bad about them… and like I’m stupid for feeling them and overwhelmed even more so because I do.


So that while I feel like shit cause I feel like shit… I want better… I deserve better and no matter how much I try… how much I change and let go of… nothing ever changes and I am just a heavy fucking burden and anchor unto myself and anyone who comes into contact with me… and all I do is cause misery… whatever is rotted inside of me cannot be removed no matter how hard I try… I dig…. And try to remove it…

Like I’m taking advantage of being taken advantaged of.. like my own mind can’t decide if it’s okay to not be ok with this… this thing that my heart can’t abide but allows all because of.. love.

Love I don’t have and isn’t provided and is divided and multiplied by the feelings of inadequacy and traumas that never cease to end and all I can do is scream… only on the inside… in my mind, and hide my tears from showing my fears and all these years all I’ve been doing is looking at myself taking accountability for what I see hear feel do and be… and yet I can’t even be a help, of service to myself but constantly jump to be a savior for those I… love.

I want to stop… I want it all to stop and the world to drop and come to my knees and give me what I have been so recklessly giving away…  all my love and dreams and encouragement and blessings and hope… just staying and remaining in a curse of this heart that refuses to give to itself what it gives and gives and gives…. And not even knowing if I’m allowed to receive….. from anyone… anything… most certainly even me.

And I just fall.. broken knees on a broken record of a heart that gives…. The same old played out song. Even when I am strong… doing my best… my life is such a jest.