Dear Younger Me

Dear Younger Me,

Dear younger me, you’ll never imagine the life that you’ll lead, the places you’ll go, and the goals that you’ll reach.  You can’t fathom life lived in a house without wheels, but one day you’ll forget what it was like with wet carpet, mice in the walls, and the sound of your hunger keeping you up at night. Maybe you’ll remember pieces of the pain or memories of the abuse, but it will be like watching a movie, only to be replayed at times of joy or sadness.  You won’t recognize that little girl who is hurting and unloved as yourself but one day you will make the connection.  You will tell her it’s not her fault and that she doesn’t deserve the abuse.  But she’ll be grown up and nobody can go back in time and help that girl in her youth.  Instead you’ll want people to know how far you’ve come but nobody will ever relate.  You’ll share tidbits of your childhood, such as the years your family squatted in someone’s hunting cabin, lived completely off the land, and left the life you knew behind, but people will give you looks of shame.  They won’t relate to never having soap, toothpaste, or toilet paper, they won’t relate to addict parental beatings for no apparent reason. When you have children of your own and you have no example to go off of, the people that you meet simply won’t relate.  They will make comments about bad parents producing bad children and it will hurt you to the core.  As you came from the worst parents and have done wonders for yourself.  It will be confusing and conflicting and you’ll do everything you can to fight for the kids from bad homes, to stand up for them, and to share with others that people can do better than their parents.  You’ll share without a care that people have the power to completely change their lives regardless of drugs, alcohol, physical, and mental abuse. Even though you know it’s true you’ll be fighting an uphill battle.  Your success story will never be completely believed but it is your truth.  You came from abuse, you came from neglect, you came from poverty, drugs, and fear, yet you will not live this nightmare, you will raise the bar.  You will completely transform your life, it won’t be easy but you will reach every goal you set for yourself.  You will struggle, you will fall, but in the end you will overcome so many challenges and for that you will stand tall.
You’ll still feel like an outsider, someone who values things that most people take for granted.  You’ll remember your purchase of a washer and dryer, saving for months and finally never having to go to the laundromat again.  You’ll feel so thankful, so much pride, you’ll share with your friends who will just look at you strangely because they can’t relate.  Your life will be filled with so many moments like these and you’ll feel like there isn’t anyone who relates to your joy in buying a bed, a house, going on trips, or even buying new shoes.  You’ll have to experience this for yourself but you are enough and your joy and pride is enough.  You did this, you worked hard, you climbed out of poverty against the odds.   You’ll still have a fear that keeps you fighting and working hard.  A fear of being homeless, a fear of being broke, a fear of not having enough food to eat.  So you’ll save money, invest, and live below your means because you know what it’s like to not have enough, but you will one day realize that what you have is enough and that you are enough.  You’ll feel like you’ve failed your children even though they’ve never experienced these woes.  You will never give them enough, you will never be good enough for them.  Although they’ve never suffered in your life, they have suffered from your past pains.  Your children will suffer from your inability to truly love yourself; they'll be the result of abusive relationships.  You will overcome this and you will leave and learn to love yourself.  Dear future me, you will have so many scars and those scars will affect your children but you must be kind and accepting because you were once that little girl who was cold, hungry, and forgotten.  
You will serve for twenty years in the military promoting 10 ranks, four combat deployments, and more sexual harassment than a person should ever have to withstand.  You will find a way to overcome it, all to reach your goal of retirement.  You will leave the military with obtaining your Master’s Degree.  Your life will not be easy but you will be the reason you received these accolades. You have always been the reason as you strived for so much more.  You loved and cared for people and worked harder than anyone I’ve met.  You knew somehow that you could change your life and make it better, but you couldn't imagine just how great that change could be.  You’ll live in the house of your dreams, have all the food you need, go on vacations, have a swimming pool, and be loved completely.  You’ll never imagine the life that you’ll create for yourself, but you will do it against all obstacles.  
Dearest me, you’ll never imagine who you will care for as it is still a shock to me.  You will take in your aging father, the person who abused you and caused you so much pain.  You will not see him in the same light, you will not be afraid of him at all.  Instead you will care about him as a person and help him live peacefully and be cared for.  You will take care of your father who didn’t take care of you.  You will not see him as the bully who picked on his own kids, instead you will want to help him live the best that he can with his diminishing health.  Somewhere along the way you will forgive your parents for everything, you will say it outloud again and again, you will write about it, and you will cry.  Dear younger me, your forgiveness of the past will be what sets you free.  It will be the force that lets you fly, to be who you ought to be.  So many amazing things will happen in your life because you are enough for me.