Ashes

I just don't know what to feel anymore. I look at myself and I don't feel beautiful. I feel ugly within and out. I want to cry to everyone around me but I know they don't want to listen. I ask for reassurance hoping someone would understand me, the sharp pain through my chest, the feeling of being there but reality being fake, the feeling of trying to say no but being scared to let go. I'm so tired of running in circles changing the things around me to fit in when I need to change myself. I'm sad and everyone asks me why, and if I'm being honest I could ask the same, why? Why am I sad? Why do I view myself the way I do? Why do I scream for people to listen and have everyone I need, yet still feel alone? Why do I feel stupid for hurting? Maybe It was my fault I let them take advantage of me, maybe it was rape, but maybe I don't know what it was. It broke me, they broke me. Leaving pieces and questions of myself laying around. These questions start with am i…am I enough, am I wanted, am I happy or just pretending from this high I feel that runs through my vveins..numbness. Am I coping with plants and drinks of flowers just to feel something different then them against me, crushing the young adolescent soul I once had? Am I the one who wants this? Am I lying to myself? Which all lead to one big question. Who am I, and why do I blame myself for who I was?