Deep Breaths

I can feel the tentacles slithering around my mind. The darkness seeping in and the tears pouring over the edge of my eyelids, no matter how I try to stop them.

My head hurts from trying to keep everything in.

I’m on the edge

I have given and given and do not have not much left to give.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

I tried to reclaim my life. I tried to push through.

There were moments when I did. Moments that outsiders see and think it adds up to a successful and happy life

But I have only ended up right back where I started.

How did this happen?

Because I got to the edge and I didn’t trust myself

I listened to the bullshit

I didn’t just jump

I crawled

And now I am lost again

Although I see glimmers of light

Glimmers and then the black clouds, the ominous smoke rolls in

It clouds my view

I can’t breathe

I close my eyes

I just want the pain to be over

I want to be content

At peace

The tears stream

I don’t want anyone to see them because no one understands

And so many who say they care are the reasons that my eyes burn and my head pounds and my heart aches

They care because they don’t want me to change

Then they won’t get what they need

I will no longer be supply

And that terrifies them

They would rather manipulate and guilt and hurt me

Under the guise of being “the best thing that ever happened to me.“

Deep breaths.

Deep breaths.

Deep breaths.

Stand up. Figure it out.

Once again, fight through it. Get out.

And don’t ever enter this place again.