Still Hurts

Hello
Its been a while since we last spoke.
The last time was brief,  when I turned to you with a broken heart,
but I couldn’t go through with it.
Not after the time spent apart, t
he time before that was when you broke my heart.
Shattered to pieces.
I still think about it sometimes,
and it still makes my heart squeeze for the girl I was then.
I had given you years of my life.
Ended relationships for you,
dropped everything just to talk to you.
Gave you space when you needed,
but always having your back and standing at your side.
By your rules I abided
You always played with me.
Played along. Strung me along.
Sunrises and dancing and skating in the snow.
Putting on a show
Holding hands under tables.
Drunken kisses turning into sober dates,
sober moments,
sobering moments.
And then nothing.
Not a word, not a phrase.
Completely ghosted and forgotten.
Oh but you would still talk, just not to me
talk how you wanted a good woman, someone to love you.
Screaming to the public about how much you needed someone
while ignoring me, forgetting me.
Months pass, and I hear another word, another phrase
but you trick me and I feel to blame.
Like I didn’t give enough of me.
Not enough of my time, of my love, of myself.
Like I didn’t do enough to keep you. Well I am older now.
More mature. And more angry.
Angry at myself for believing you. For letting you convince me that I was to blame,
at fault for my broken heart. Angry at you, consumed by rage
Angry at you for feeling you could walk in and out of my life like it was nothing.
Angry at you for your entitlement in thinking you had the right to my heart
whenever you pleased.
Angry at you for falling for me, and being too afraid to ever act.
To ever stand up for what we had.
Angry that you let yourself fall away, let yourself down.
Angry that you let me down.
If I saw you again, I don’t know what I would do,
what I would feel. I dread the moment.
Because even though I am happy now.
Even though my heart has been mended by one who loves deeply.
The thought of you still hurts.