Empty

When I look in the mirror, all I see is failure, a pathetic selfish junkie to fucked up emotionally and mentally to deal with her issues and problems like a normal human being does, instead she tries to just bury and numb everything by getting high. Which in turn destroys everything she cares about and needs  most in her life to ever truly be better, but she's too afraid of facing all of her demons, because there are so fucking many she's afraid they'll destroy her. No one's ever truly loved her enough to just genuinely stick around especially when she couldn't hide the ugly side of herself anymore because it completely took over and buried who she could really be without it. So now the real parts of her that are still there are trapped in hell, a hell she created trying to escape everything that hurts too much to bear. Since the very beginning of her life she's been abandoned for one reason or another, why doesn't really make a difference anymore, all that does is the part where everyone always leaves. No matter how much she cries and begs and screams please don't cause I'm drowning, they all still just go. They never pause, or look back, never hesitate, never question the state of existence she'll be left in once the aftermath of being left again sinks in, and of course once that loss sinks in, it hits her like a car wreck, just as hard as all the previous ones before it, and the pain gets worse, the dark gets even darker, and she's buried even deeper in grief, in self doubt, and the torment of simply never being enough to really be loved unconditionally. Even though she's loves unconditionally, and to a dangerous level, like playing catch with a freshly sharpened ninja star, no matter how you catch in your hands, no matter which side of the blades you catch, it slices you open probably worse and worse  each time you catch it, but knowing what that pain is like doesn't teach her to protect herself, she only ends up opening herself up even more and loving even harder the next round hoping it's enough for someone to stay, just one time, just one person, if just once the person she handed her mangled and tattered heart to tried to fix it instead of deciding there's just too much damage done to even try to fix it and handing it back missing even more than there was already, than maybe, but just maybe, she could begin to even start being a whole person, something she's never even gotten to be before, maybe,  the dark would get a little lighter, the pain would be a little less painful, and she could finally dig herself out of the torment that's buried her deeper then the time before, then maybe she could breathe a breath of hope, then maybe even feel like enough,  maybe even know what contentment felt like for real, instead of being fooled by the mirage of it, only to have the ground collapse underneath her feet, like every time before, but it never happens, no one sees her pain, sees her broken and stays, she's still not enough to keep, especially not when there's  less than before, no one wants to find the lost and missing pieces, and she's discarded once more, losing even more hope than last time, getting closer and closer to being completely buried alive, too tired to try, too tired to fight anymore, lungs too heavy to try to fill with another breath to keep going, now the dark is darker than pitch black, now the dark is it's own living and breathing entity,  so huge, so heavy, all consuming and it suffocates, it crushes, it buries every living thing in it's path, but there's only one single thing in it's path..... Her...... Lost forever for never being enough....  from the very beginning..... Gone. She never even stood a chance...