Don’t Pick Up

Don’t Pick Up:

Too many times now I start typing a message because of something that makes me think of him.
I have to tell myself the truth, delete everything I just wrote. “Put the phone down girl, don’t you dare hit send.”

I’m unsure of why I’m doing this to myself, feeling as if I can never move on:
Maybe it’s this so called “mistake” growing inside of me or the son we share, our unbreakable bond.

Maybe it’s because I’m selfish and want him with no one else, and to only to be with me:
Maybe I don’t want him at all and would rather him suffer because he deserves to, so I can finally be free.

I forgave him for the past in order for me to move on so I could finally know my true worth:
He was finally turning into who I always wanted, the man I thought he was trying to be for me, the man I deserved.

The same moment I heard of a another person for him was the moment I let my heart outweigh my mind:
This was my chance, “it’s now or never girl, you’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t try.”

My mind wants to forget everything from the last two months, telling myself to stop, it’s over.
My heart won’t let him go, optimistic, with as many beats as the memories we share, once so fast, but now getting slower.

I’ve been kidding myself thinking we were one of a kind, just knowing without a doubt, he would have chosen me:
Everything I’ve envisioned isn’t real anymore, knew her for 2 weeks, but still chose her, thought we were meant to be.

“You can’t picture a life being married ,” hoping but silently knowing his decision had already been made.
“Of course I can girl, I haven’t decided on anything, what’s meant to be will be,” he said, I already knew our memories had started to fade.

Turned off notifications from him in hopes of turning on my phone with a pleasant surprise:
I’ve opened long awaited unread messages of heartbreaking words and then my fake responses, protecting my heart; living a lie.

I wish I could walk away from him for good, if not, I fear my heart will never be able to mend.
This precious boy keeps that from happening, “Grow up, get it together,” words I tell myself, words he has recently said.

I can’t let these hormonal emotions keep me from living the hibernated life a short time ago, I pulled myself out of:
It’s so easy to push everyone away, feeling alone, full of secrets only we share or the lies I’ve been telling myself.

“He still thinks of me, he had to have loved me, I’m not losing it, he’ll be back.”
These thoughts have taken over with no sign of him feeling the same, proving it with nothing but silence.

“I can’t be friends with him I say,” to hear his reaction, only a few texts back and forth before he gives up.
Haven’t spoken on a personal level since, another mistake made by my emotions, I’m too stubborn to admit that I need help.

Within one short conversation I lost the best friend I hated to admit that I’ve always had.
I thought pushing him completely away would cure this emptiness I felt because of him, too late now, I can’t take it back.

I can’t do this by myself and up until this point, he’s selfishly made me feel like I don’t matter, leaving me feeling completely alone.
A week from now I’ll be ending one life while hoping to start mine, adding one more memory I will hold in. “Stop, he doesn’t care, don’t you dare pick up that phone.”

Don’t Pick Up!