When I Told You (TW for self-injury and su!c!de)

You asked me what I thought I
Needed that I wasn’t getting.
I wondered briefly
If you thought I was self-harming
Just to get attention.
Your voice became more brisk
As you went on,
Saying that it was
My choice to get help
Or not try.
But I didn’t choose to
Have anxiety or depression.
I didn’t choose for my thoughts to
Take over my mind
And make me feel like
I’m not enough.
I didn’t choose for my thoughts to
Be the captain of
My mind’s ship.
You threatened to
Send me away
If I didn’t try to
Help myself instead of
Hurt myself,
But now,
I secretly want to
Go away
So I can be away
From my problems.
I want to go away
So I can be away from all my
Depression and anxiety
And mental problems.
I wonder if you’re thinking that
I’m selfish for all of this,
But is it selfish to want to
Get away from all the agony
That I struggle to
Drag myself through?
Do you see it as selfish if I try to
Kill myself or harm myself,
Only because I’m not
Strong enough
To deal with all this
Agony exploding in my head?
I knew you wouldn’t understand
What’s going on in my head;
It’s a battle I cannot win.
I knew you wouldn’t understand
The reasons for my
Physically damaging behavior.
I have my reasons
And you don't get to
Judge me for anything.
The thing is that
I have so much guilt inside
And it’s tearing me apart.
The thing is that
I can’t deal with this
Very well.
I feel so alone and lonely
In this crowded world
And I knew
You wouldn’t understand,
But I knew I’d deal
With a lot worse
If I lied about my scars.
It’s not my fault that
I’m not strong enough to
Cope with this
So don’t blame me
Because I already have
So much pain inside.