Maybe Kinda Care

Maybe Kinda Care

I've got truth on my lips and I've tossed in my chips.
My heart is steeped in shadow from this chemical eclipse.
Hello to everyone watching out there.
Take a moment to listen while
I'm willing to share.
To speak on a journey through the depths of despair.
About my fading  in and out of life,
deep into death and back again.
A scary decent deeo into Sin
and  random introduction to
the concept of Salvation.

Iv'e always believed I was Beyond Redemption

It's about The dissolving of
 MY value system crumbling
 from within.
Please humor me and listen
to my story of restarting.
I'm forever packing up
and quietly departing.
It's a story of a time when
I made the grave mistake
 of ignoring what I know.
A time when I confused my lies with what I thought was true.
I know not what next
I'm expected to do.      
     Do you??
Everything about who I am has CHANGED
 My life is a war-ground.
The ghosts of my dead dreams gather and surround... me.
Im hiding from my demons but
some how I end up found.
I listen for the God's whisper but lately,
I cannot hear a sound.
I can hardly even think with so much pressure baring down.
A Soul so stain-soaked
all my natural light,
it gets lost.
The edges snap and crack
 thay've become cold and delicate
due to silent, creeping Frost.
Mr Devil Addiction sits on
the thrown of my Soul
regardless of the consequence,
regardless of the cost.

(My Soul and The Cold are not friends.  I'm aware of my frailty acutely, absolutely.)
I finally understand why the means never meet the end.
I know now that the cold in my Soul is no friend.
The lies I tell have been expertly rehearsed and
all of the words in my life story
have been jumbled up,
 reversed.
All I touch is tainted bye
the evil energy of
a sick, addiction curse.
I often feel confused and I'm repeatedly betrayed
bye the seamless stream of lies ever-dripping from my mind.
I take one step forward
only to end  up
ten steps behind!!
I think I see and knowl so much but
the truth is I'm ignorant
and slowly going blind.

Its Progressive. Obsessive  Regressive.
The energy, the negative, the isolatioin is repressive.
I don't know how much longer I can last.
I'm choking on the shards,
 the shatteted memories and deluted fragments  floating
echoes of the past.
I know not how much longer zi can last.
The Time, the days, the minutes are quickly slipping past me much to fast.
The time I've wasted is Time
 I cannot reclaim. Losing days and years and smiles and crys and honesty after the slurry of lies.
I think I finally realize.
time is precious, fleeting,  its an ultra- rare and super special gift that I just miss. I numbly watch it speeding past
ME .
I'm nervous and I'm scared as an army of apparitions circle me around  and smile, slowly swaying  back and forth.
Oddly  mused as they dance to the the dismal requiem being
projected from the undertow.
There's no place I can go to feel comfort  and no possibility of relief
since the milky kiss of hopelessness  settled on my lips.

(I'm aware of my frailty acutely, absolutely and the
complete cold in my Soul is no friend.

Nothing has unfolded in the manner I intend. The entire plan for my life as been uprooted, up-ended.
I was abandoned bye the  Angels as the Hounds of Hell violently descended..
The reality of my life is
nothing like I've pretended.
I'm sorry
Truth is just to ugly to share and the endless consequences have become impossible to bare.
God, help me find a way to try to maybe kinda care.
I lost who I was when I was wondering
aimlessly out there.
Please help me find a way to care...
*********************************************************