All over again

Ive never realized
How much i can miss someone
I didn’t even have in the first place
How agonizing the pain could be
Cutting you so deep
But no one can see the scars
They are not visible to them
behind my faux smiles
I let myself believe
The illusion that you actually cared
That you were a positive presence
That you liked being my parent
I cant even blame you for me being naive
You never portrayed the lies
I tried so hard to believe    
And she kept enabling it
Trying so hard to make me
Feel like less of the problem
She tried so hard to fill the void
You were digging in my soul
Never said a bad thing about you
Acted like your biggest fan
Even when you wore her down
She never showed
She held her head high
Reassured me it wasn’t my fault
It broke her when i witnessed your shortcomings
‘It will end soon’ she promised
It didn't take much at all
For you to leave
You blamed me for it all
Said i was too difficult
Ask for too much
Always too loud
‘I can change’ my desperate pleas
fell on deaf ears
You didn’t even hesitate
At the sound of you crushing my soul
You left me at the driveway
Bleeding from the wounds you caused
Blood was all I could see
You left me there in disarray
Trying to comprehend why you hate me so much
I thought for sure you’ll show again
A couple days maybe
The days turned to weeks
Weeks turned to months
Pain turned to anger
You choose this
You chose to stay for as long as you did
You chose to leave
You chose to hurt me
Where did you get the entitlement
To be mad
After all you did
All the hurt you caused
You shattered every piece of me
And walked away
Left me bleeding on the sidewalk
She helped me up
Helped get me clean
And mended my damage
Just for you to pick out a dagger
And do it all over again
You’ll love me forever
Thats what you kept promising
In the same breath you expressed to me
The burdens of your life
But all you did was recount mine
Why cant i stop loving you
Why cant i just forget
You were ever here
Why cant i move on
Why cant i block you out
Why do you hurt me like this
Why dont you just leave
Why wont you stop taunting me
Why cant you understand I’m hurting
It would be so much easier if i just hated you
Instead of myself
Maybe one day when you realize the hurt you cause us
Maybe then you’ll stop
But i would have bled out by then