Heartbreaker

Do you know what it's like?
To go to our old familiar places and have flashbacks play in my mind like an old romance movie?
Except our ending wasn't so happy was it?

Do you ever get those "How are you and- doing?"
I wonder how you respond.
I'm forever dreading that question.
My once warm bright smile fades as I reply "We don't talk anymore."

Do you touch a certain part of your body and feel my fingernails tracing it?
How do you sleep at night?
I bet it takes you five seconds before you're into a deep dream.

Me?
I lay there in the dark silence for what seems an eternity.
But wait,
You're here!
I hear you laugh. See that welcoming grin.
You crawl into bed next to me and begin to play with my hair.
This feels like a dream but it can't be!
You're here!

I begin to lean in for a kiss when suddenly my eyes fly open.
You're gone.
I cling to my pillow and let out a small muffled cry.
Just like you did in my dream, you left without a simple "Goodbye."

Why?
Why did you leave me?
I loved you beyond the world, the stars.
I put you above everyone,
even myself.

Do you know how much hell I went through?
I try so hard to hate everyone but always seem to fall for them.
It doesn't matter though because they do the same things you did.
They make me feel special enough to open my legs and then they ghost me.
Like I never mattered.
Like I never even existed.

It's ok.
I'll never get an apology; I don't need one.
I need to learn to love myself.
To put me first!
I matter God damn it!
You don't see it but one day I will.
I will.