A Letter to My Rapist(s)

(name(s)),

you took everything from me,
in under an hour.
stripped me of my purity,
my innocence.

i found an old poem i wrote as a sophomore in high school,
talking of childhood innocence.
i described it as a blanket.
i didn’t get that at the time i was still bundled up.

you came in and took my blanket away,
forever tampered with my sense of comfort.
my life will never be the same,
you ruined my life.

i wish that weren’t true,
wish i could say i am stronger than you,
wish i could move past all that you put me through,
wish secretly someone would kill you.
i want nothing more than for you to hurt the way that i do.

but that may never happen,
that i have no control of.
so instead i’ll cope, and heal,
and relapse again and again.
i’ll find little things to make me feel alright,
little ways to make the world you turned dark bright.
healthy or not,
good or bad,
at least the things that hurt me are only on me.

maybe you hurt me in a way i can control after all,
try to out hurt your hurt,
ruin myself more than you did.
at least my downfall would be on my own terms.

you taught me to mistrust,
to live in constant fear.
never feel completely at ease around men,
not friends, not family.

i had goals,
dreams.
used to be inspired.
sleep soundly, know peace.
be able to eat, learn, and feel alive.

f*ck you,
f*ck what you put me through,
f*ck the joy i lost from you,
f*ck the world you turned dark and blue,
f*ck the people that came after you,
f*ck the person you all turned me into,
f*ck you.