My Anthem

I sit and wonder to myself how this even works.
Friendship, love, trust, commitment,
Why is it that it works for everyone else and not me?
Why is it that I sit here in a room full of people but still feel like I’m alone
Why is it that when I try to be something, I’m still a nothing?
Why is it that everyone says they love me, but I still feel unloved?
Love is just a word, right?
Friends say they love me, yet they don’t listen.
Family says they love me, yet they don’t reach out to care.
My teams and coaches say they love me but yet, they never check in.
I’m always a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, and an ear to listen, yet nobody has ever done the same to me.
But do I deserve it
Don’t I deserve to be lonely? To feel unloved and worthless?
Maybe people don’t reach out because I’m just not worthy of their time.
Leaving.
No that won’t help someone care, they’d just forget.
Crying.
No, that makes me seem weak, who wants to be around a weak person.
Prettier.
No, then I look stuck up.
Uglier.
No, then nobody will want to be seen with me.
Dead.
Wait.
Dying. Dying seems to be the only way to survive in this world.
I want to do it.
But then I remember.
Nobody would even come to my funeral.