Use Me Again

I was Twelve.
That day we met
You chose me
The only one sitting all alone in our middle school gymnasium
Neither of us knew a single person in that crowded court
So you chose me.

All of my friends left me the year before
You were new to the school
Just another day
That day you chose me

Thirteen.
My anxiety was taking control of me
And the depression was setting in for the first time
You were the one I could trust
And I was all you had
We understood each other
All of life’s struggles we would face together
You were the one I could trust

Fourteen.
You were consumed by a chatting site you found
And I followed suit
I thought it was wrong
But never said so, you looked okay
I decided to play along

I never mentioned those nights
Where I would stay awake due to panic attacks
From what those grown men said they would do to me
You weren't bothered by them
So I decided to play along
Until it faded away from your mind

Fifteen.
Different high schools
Forced us to drift
You met an older boy
And stared down the wrong path
I tried to help you
But you couldn't see the bad in him
With all of the attention he gave
The rumors grew worse,
And then became the truth
And that is when the arguments began

I couldn’t lose you
To someone who didn’t want the best for you
So I stayed by your side
Until I lost myself
Trying to help you

You were pregnant, homeless,
Dropped out, brought down
And I offered you all that I had
To make it better

You ignored it
Your pride and trust in this boy
Wouldn’t let you take what you desperately needed
I stayed by your side
No matter how much it hurt me

Sixteen.
You only called when you needed something
But you were all that I had
My depression had become a large part of me
And I needed someone to be there
And I thought it would be you
Because I was always there for you during the worst times

I fell away from you, and fell in love with your son
I stayed up for days just to see another picture of him
And to be sure that he was okay
I went broke making sure he had what he needed
When you couldn’t afford it
Or so I thought,

I never got a “Thank you”
I just got calls asking for gas money or to babysit
I loved that baby
But the money I gave you wasn’t for him
You lied to me

You used that money for yourself
And let your boyfriend steal from you
And throw your things in the garbage
Again and again you complained
But you never took my help

Seventeen
We stopped talking like friends
You once called me family
And now I can barely look at you
Although he wasn't mine,
I watched him for days, or sometimes weeks
When you worked and went on vacations

I have become obsessed with you
Studying every post, every text we sent to one another
And can’t understand where it went wrong

I had started to go down a bad path
And that baby is the only thing keeping me going at times
But his mother can’t be there when I need her
She used me for all that I had
And I still can’t let her go

I don’t miss her
I miss how she made me feel
I miss when she cared
I miss the times when she felt like family
And made me feel like someone needed me

So I stay
For her
For him
In case she ever needs me
So I stay
In case she wants to use me again