Everything changes with a promise

I want to be fine again
like I was back then, remember?
before the “knowing it all” and the “not-knowing a thing” came along
before I lost my innocence and everything seemed tragic
and before I started wondering why
if it is God who’s playing marbles, why does it feel that’s me who’s creating havoc?
I desperately need to know cuz’ my daddy is asking me what is missing and I stand not knowing the answer “I don’t know, I’m just unhappy” -  I said it to him
and in that moment I could feel the devil’s grin behind my back

But I promise I crave for peace of mind and to be happy again
for my mother who prays every Tuesday night
and for my father who holds me when I lose my temper
they’re the definition of faith and action
hence they need each other as much as I need them
first because there’s no faith without action
and as for me needing them, only because I’m inconstant and selfish
and I mean it when I say that I don’t want to break any more windows or throw books away just because I’m unhinged

I’m just tired.
forgive me for having these thoughts, I promise I’ll do better
I’ll do better because it’s not fair to think about ending things when you sit down to pay the bills and make plans for the future
I’ll do better because I need to
for my brother, for my sister, for my nephews, for my friends, mother and father
I’ll do better
I promise. If it means something.