Traveling West to a New Kintsukuroi

It seems as if I end up at this point once every year
but as I look into my true self lately, all I see is a pattern
again and again longing and searching for the antidote to save me.

I am different in the sense that I see myself.
I am mentally, physically, and spiritually down constantly.
rather than casting my burdens and shame onto God, I’ve locked them away silently in a box that I’ve placed on a shelf.
hidden from the public eye, limp, and laying like an elf.

Sometimes I do believe there is no cure to my own discouraging thoughts,
yes, God handles them 24/7,
but at the end of the day I understand my anxiety and depression keeps the slander locked down in knots.
far far away from heaven

Up until recently I believed I was borderline depressed, only a victim to trauma and other mental health
but now I realize I can’t go 24hrs without feeling down for no reason, nothing helps, the depression sneaks up; wholly in its stealth.

I guess I’ve always had it since papa Phill died, the signs were there
everyday I cried.

It wasn’t necessarily physical weeping, but to fully understand is nearly impossible-I can’t even do it
but mentally I feel an intense pressure of sorrow out of the blue, so yes, my tears were true.

I’m not suicidal nor would I ever do that, I do feel like there is way out.
I’m just struggling to find it amidst my current drought.

I constantly worry about money and I truly don’t see how one can live peacefully without it
our world and dreams are built off of finances and debt
but it’s a never ending cycle, a lifelong downward spiral,
did anyone forget?

I’d even go as far to say that taxes is a scam.
yes we need it , no free money
that’d be an economical threat,
but as a citizen in America,
I am playing a game with the government - a never ending roulette.

I have a collection of problems that I can’t seem to shake
but in this moment as I fully embrace the beauty of nature,
I now know that life goes on
 it’s time to awake.

I need new coping mechanisms for my issues and burdens
I think being alone outside in the beauty of His creation is what I need to fully face them; in the open, but in quiet
the only way to unveil my mental curtains.
it’s time to shush my mental riot.

I don’t have to fill my cracks with worry and anger, rather filling them with gold and wonder.

filling them with wonder won’t erase the marred past,
but it will honor my adversity to the ever so hard thing we call life,
to rid them - spiritually cast them,
put an end to my unyielding strife.


It’s time to start fresh and overcome the broken pieces I have yet to let go,
but acknowledging my problems is a start to freedom,
a feeling I still have yet to know.

Life is beautiful and dark, but that is why I’m here.
everyday I have a choice to either whither away in my thoughts
or a choice to start fresh - persevere.

I inspire people everyday on my daily philosophy of “winning the day”,
so if that theory helped me once upon a time,
why is it now that i think my day is lost before it has even begun?
the thing that brings this concept to life is when I pray.
look upon the Holy one.

My newest daily affirmation revolves around not letting little moments ruin the 24 precious hours I wake up to.
life is never promised and I need to start capitalizing on the magic taken for granted,
I need to breakthrough.

I will work harder to not necessarily change my mental state, but to change my perception.
I love way too many people and moments for them to not know how much due to my own personal roadblocks, I’m ready to go with the way of God,
I’m ready to start traveling in a different direction.