Tales of a little girl within.

I know life is unfair and that everyone has a share of their own problems.
This idea has made me downplay my pain all my life.
At 10, I lost one of my biggest role models.
This is not as sad until you realise my dad made a decision to walk out of my life.
Sometimes it feels like I would be less sad if I knew the absence was because you were watching from above.
It would be better because I would know at least he’d fought to be in my life to the end.

Why is it that I have to be the bigger person, I am the kid?
The person to forgive over and over again because the pain never ends
Yet I always stay at the receiving end where I am abandoned again and again.
Each day trying harder to live with it,
Each day experiencing growing pains for his continued absence
Yet it is I who has to smile boldly each time I am referred to by my surname, his name

I am not okay with this
It never goes away overnight nor has it gone away 12 years now
Some nights do end in tears with longing
Some nights looking at the stars and aching for your presence
Some days feeling unworthy because I was not even able to deserve your love
Some days missing the adventures stuck as memories in my head before you up and went

Why do I have to be a temporary thought in your life?
Why do I have to be ok periodically when you chose to be in my life?
Why does it have to be me to carry the pain of your choices?
Why do I have to live without my father when even you didn’t?
Why does it have to be me who feels that I need to earn your love?
Why do I have to carry the burden of the emptiness?

I always just wanted you to show up
On good days, to be proud of me and share the happiness
On bad days, to just be there and assure me that there is greater to come
On other days, just to set a record-breaking high bar for any other men in my life
On events to stand right by me through the fear and uncertainties of life
On such days to cure the little girl you hurt.

I am not even supposed to be writing this
I am not supposed to be carrying these big emotions
I am not supposed to be the one reaching out to you
I am not supposed to be carrying great memories as painful ones
I am not supposed to be the one signing up to live without your comfort.
I am also definitely not supposed to go through life without you whilst you are alive