The pain in me

You look at me and smile only to see the visage that I'm presently wearing.
You say you can hear my heart speaking out only you lack the confidence to understand what you're currently hearing.
As I'm somberly deteriorating, my body rotting from the inside and out.
 I am keeping calm  but inside of me just wants to come out and shout.
I ask you. What am I to do?
I stand here before you with tears pouring from my eyes and running down my cheeks.
 And I explain how I lie awake at night, confused, alone,grieving, cold, and drowning from the tears that soaked into my sheets.
What am I to do?
I ask.
Can you truly feel my pain?
Do you know what it feels like to be lost in a constant rain?
To have lost friend after friend.
I'm asking Is this a test, and if so will it ever end?
You see I've known pain. I lived with misery for years.
They played with my weakness showed no mercy towards my fears.
I Hid the scars from their abuse. Strayed away from all who cared. I wouldn't have dared to share my truth. I'd rather had died instead. I'd lie to those who have asked. I chose to lie in my own made bed.
I couldn't let them see me hurt.
I didn't want them to see that I was less than or to see that I felt so low.
I was a hurricane of dirt, a tornado of pain, a earthquake of misery, and worst of all it all spewed out like a volcano of blood.
I mourned as it spilled out, cried as all my darkness rushed into the light.
I didn't give up on me I had to stand there and fight.
So, I ask you again.
What am I to do?
Because my eyes are swollen shut to the point that I can no longer see.
  I'm now removing this mask to show all the pain in me.

©defineher