To Wear Masks

You look at me, but you don't see me.
You know my name and think you know me, but you don't really know me.
You know the me that I let you see,
not the me that I really am; that I hide from everyone.
I don't want anyone to know who I really am,
or what I really think about.
Everyone would be afraid and wonder what is wrong and wonder why I feel the way I do.
There is no reason!
I have no answers!
If I knew, then maybe I could fix it! but I can't...
As much as I try, I always fail!
Sometimes I feel like I am getting better, and then it sneaks back up and grabs ahold of me again!
I try to break free but it has me too tight and I'm not strong enough!
Sometimes I think that maybe I don't want to be free of it...
I like it.
It's comfortable.
I know it and understand it; if you can understand it really; probably not.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid to try.

To try is to gamble.
Gamble at the chance of failing.
I'm not good at gambling though.
I always lose.
So what's the point in trying if I know how it will end!
It ends in failure, sadness, anger and disappointment!
If I don't try, I won't fail!
If I don't try, I don't get hurt!

The masks I have been wearing for so long are fading.
They are breaking away and revealing my true face for the world to see.
Wearing the masks was getting too hard!
I am tired of putting them on!
They are heavy and draining!
I can't do it anymore!
So off they come, one by one, layer by layer. Slowly being torn away. Some not by choice but they start to come off anyway.
I want to be stronger!
I want to bear the weight of the masks!
At least then, no one knew, and I could pretend to be ok!

The masks have shattered and broken.
I couldn't hold onto them all.
There were just too many and they were getting too heavy to carry.
I have gotten too tired to wear them all day and to change them constantly for the one that is expected in whatever situation that I am in at that time.
Maybe I just tried to carry too many masks with me!
Maybe I can just keep one or two or three!
That can't be so hard!
I can do that! Why not?!

Well really, right now is probably just another mask itself as well!
Maybe I'm just wearing the mask of anxiety, sadness, and depression, and it is all just another show piece for those around me!
I'm probably perfectly fine!
No, I'm okay! really!
You don't need to worry about me!
I'm fine! :) See, I can smile and laugh and have fun! It was just a mirage that you were seeing before!
You only see what I want you to see, Don't you see?!
It's just another show!
There's nothing wrong with me!
I just was being silly!
I was feeling bored and restless, and yet lazy at the same time,
and all I wanted was some attention.
I wanted someone to notice me.
To not leave me stranded and alone.
I needed to see that people care for me.
To show me that I'm not broken and alone.
To show me that I belong, that I'm accepted.
See, I'm not crazy! I'm just needy!

I think I'm like a puzzle.
I've fallen apart and need pieced back together.
But I'm terrible at puzzles!
I can't do them!
So I give up soon after I start.
Why not let someone do it that is more equipped for the task!
I am clearly not!
It seems too hard to me, and really, I just don't want to do it!