If I were to write a suicide note

If I were to write a suicide note, I wouldn't do it sober.  My reasons for the final curtain call are all emotion and no rational thinking when I'm drunk.

If I were to draft a suicide note, I wouldn't do it sober.  I would be secretly thrilled nobody else in my family took this way out so it's still an option.  Only one member of a family can commit suicide, that's the rule.

If I were to contemplate a suicide note, I wouldn't do it sober.  I'd apologize to everyone I've hurt by my drinking, which is the majority of the people in my life I care about.  

If I were contemplating a suicide note, how do I explain this to my parents?   How do I explain to them that they didn't fail me?  How do I explain this to my brother's eldest, who has serious struggles of their own?  I try to be a sounding board.  I want to be the non-partisan, neutral party they can come to with anything, and they have come to me with a lot of struggles.  

If I were discussing suicide with a sibling's child, I'd admit we have brought it up.  More accurately, we have discussed not actually having a plan to kill oneself but a desperate hope that we don't wake up in the morning because life is such a struggle and the weight seems unbearable.

If I were to write a suicide note, I would feel that I robbed someone else of a chance at a final word.  I haven't had anyone very close to me commit suicide, but I have had have a few close ones die without warning.  And I've always wondered what they would have said, having been given the choice.  

If I were to write a suicide note, I would think of the peaceful sleep I would have.

And then, I would think of how horrible everyone else around me would sleep probably from then on.

And I am sad, because I don't feel strong enough.

And I am inspired, because I have enough reasons to be stronger than I think I can be.

And I am anxious because we have a family gathering this weekend and I know everyone will be looking at me, despite there not being any alcohol at the event.