Analysis of Eden: A Revisionisst Hisstorian Speakssss

Ah, it seems like only yesterday!
Speaking metaphorically, of course.
Being a snake in the grass is simply a picnic,
especially since the Happy Couple
have hoofed it off for parts unknown.
Oh, the travel arrangements were strictly His,
the Head Keeper’s, and I was only an agent,
just a Green Young Thing.

But never as green as they were.
Talk about dumb animals! Why, those sugarplums
ran around in the altogether and never even knew
what sex they were. Oh, they were a scream!
And stubborn? We tried passion fruit first.
“I wasn’t born yesterday”, she’d huff.
That was good! We’ve hissed ourselves hoarse
over that one ever since.

“Tell her it’s good for her, makes her smart”,
the HK urged. “We’ve TRIED.” “Well…
just tell her it’s good. Period.”
“Not me, Chief. I want to live.”
And then, the Great Idea (no, using force was out):
try laying on some petty prohibition!
Worked like a…well, like a miracle.
A couple of casual hints from me

and presto! Love at first bite.
Why apples? Why not! Anyway,
the rest was hisstory, so to speak.
Their eyes opened to things homo sapiens
right away. Brought out the brains in ‘em.
And all the later touches,
Noah doing Singing’ in the Rain, that stuff,
were really just an afterthought…

“So?” So they happily shlepped away
from our sleepy little brackish backwater,
the first resort, you might say.
And we stayed blissfully on,
lying around in honeysuckle thickets,
contently sipping our jungle juleps.
What?! “Sluggard snakes…Old Soaks At Home”?!
Why, you cynical serpent!

Naturally it’s “not for the claustrophobic”,
and of course it’s “all idiotically idyllic,
as hohum as a hothouse yawn”.
That’s just the way we want it!
Oh yes, the humans think their parents
never knew a womb. Well, don’t you fall for that.
Take it from the reptile who really knows:
what do they think THIS is?