Analysis of If only I...

Tell me how you captivated me so,
you'd make me weak with a glance
from your deep, dark, beautiful eyes,
through all those delightful years,
Not one second of it would I dream of discarding,

I still smell the aromatic oils you would use in your magnificent curls on the passenger's side headrest, a delightful flavor of times past, eucalyptus and coconut oil with a healthy amount of argan and shea,
I remember how frustrating it was to clean off, especially the days you required the use of olive,
I don't think I'll ever be able to wipe it down now;
I couldn't find the strength; how could I?

You would always get so ill when your natural curls, the pride of your very essence,
would lose their shape against that cushion,
though you loved the fact I knew just how to fix it,
I swear you rolled down the window,
pressing your beautiful fro against the seat
so I would be guilted into playing the role of the barber; I really didn't mind, it was always a pleasure, except I was never too fond of the coconut oil,
seemed like it would live on my fingertips for days;
now I’d give anything for the fragrance to take me over and the oils to adorn my hands given to me by a goddess.

I know I vowed I wouldn't cry,
nevertheless, weeping is all I can do,
for you, my beau and best friend,
a light in my usual perpetual darkness,
you were the one I loved,
Kate!
I never feared anything more than calling you Kate,
I remember you backhanded me like Bruce Lee
for even having the audacity of putting an e at the end of the name you went by, Kat for Katalina,
you were stronger than any Amazonian woman,
I had a fist-sized abrasion on my ribcage for weeks,

you were my soldier, no I, I was YOUR soldier
you were my soldier only in my dreams,
I can still see the blood pudding around you,
running down your eyes and from your nose,
why did you leave, Kate?
Was the war at home worse than you let on?
and the struggle of school so terrible that you had to leave? were you simply tired of fighting?
I was never quite strong enough to stand guard
against the bombs of negativity; I couldn't see the double-takes or hear our classmate's racist retorts.
To me, you were my beautiful, warrior princess,
a goddess among mere mortals; how naive I was,
I never thought about melanin so dark, your skin,
a moonless night, a flatscreen when on standby,
but it was me you would standby, you never told me,
their vicious taunts and prejudice gazes,
was I the racist one here, for I never knew,
I thought we were fine, I never would have guessed;
you were my sunshine, your glow was magnificent,
I had the red sunburned skin, all I wanted;
I'm making excuses now, aren't I?
Blinded by your radiant smile,
deafened by the sound of Angelic trumpeters,
following you around,
announcing your grace and beauty

However, the note you left me,
the day you left me,
such despair I never knew,
I'm constantly breaking; if I wasn't so selfish,
if I knew you were hurting, maybe I... if only, if only,
you never blamed me, you never wanted to hurt me,
never held any ill will for those who despised us
or detested our photo, Black and white,
developed in a dark room of hatred,
our classmates, people we trusted,
but now I smile when I smell the coconut oil
the drive is that much sweeter. Because, you
you were the one, Kate,
how much you learned to love my voice
whisper the name,
you were a giver of life before you took your own
I wish I could have seen the darkness surrounding you,
the tropical storm over your head striking lighting -- insults, derogatory and invoking a rage and emotion
I could never understand -- I never, I mean if I knew,
if only you told me I could've, I would've,
but I didn't, I never thought to ask,
so I write this in blood and tear,
As long as I breathe, I know you are near.