Analysis of Echoes and Blurs: Reality and Surrealism

Every day I awaken with a panic or anxiety attack.
Every day I awaken to think that it's Friday.
I've already lived through this nightmare.
She's still here, no, she isn't.
I can't call her.
I can't visit her.

She sits in a drawer or room until Thursday afternoon or evening.
I don't know it's a random guess.

It's Wednesday. One more day to live through. I have duties to fulfill.

I'm reading the scripture, how hypocritical of me, I'm no longer a religious person.
Why am I tormenting myself like this?

I failed her that's why.

She begged me in her last days to do something about her daughters and I could not do that.
I failed her and I will never forget those words.

Were you there as she changed?
Most weren't.

On the final day of her life, I wasn't there.
Another failure.

My partner tells me not to get sucked in but this hurts.
The reality of this hurts and it burns like none other.
The depression has reared its ugly head making me suffer internally.

My stomach churns, the acid hitting my walls, and I pop antacids like their candy.
My body shakes, my head hurts, my spirit is dwindling.
I can't live this reality, but I can't live in surrealism either. The sounds, smells, and sights of my grandmother cause me much heartache.

The Soul Chaser is now the Scarlet Chaser, the woman who is heartless and angry, who lives for a chosen few.
I have lost the final person who ever gave a damn about me.
Death is natural but my life was never normal.
She raised me and I paid it forward!

Why was I bad-mouthed if she loved me so?
WHY?
The Alzheimer's changed her and no one accepted it.
This reality stings like a yellow jacket wasp on a Southern day.
Friday is the day that I will celebrate her life by reading the scripture and burying her.
This will also be the last day that my extended family will ever know of me.

I will make myself incognito to her family as if I never existed.

My duties are done, I failed her, and I will live with this burden alone.