I'm trying

What can I say.
Pain is one thing, depression is another.
I hide my feelings from my mother,
While I test my father's temper.
They want me to be like them
Strong, happy, and loving
Yet I can't even love myself,
My sister blames it on them, the men and women that I date
Stating facts that aren't true, making assumptions that make me cry more than I have to.
Why can't I be me?
Why can't I tell my mother my feelings?
Why can't I smile like my father ?
Or live like my sister?
 
They tell me to live my life,
They tell me to smile
Yet with a soft voice as gentle as it can be,
They say I have an attitude

They will never hear my cries,
Or SEE my tears,
 I try to stay calm and push my emotions away.
But depression isn't one that can Be hidden with a simple spray
My depression is worse than before
Yet I can't do anything to hold it back anymore
I try to think positive. But the negative  nags at the back of my mind
I try to voice my opinion
Yet with fear lacing my breath,
I let them take over my life.
Mom, dad I wish you will listen,
sister I wish you will know the feeling of sleeping alone knowing that my demons are all I hear.
With pain lancing through my veins
I close my eyes to believe what is right, I've been quiet for so long they think something is wrong,

I miss my old life
I miss the laughter
I miss the happiness that was within me
Please understand that I'm trying
Please know that I'm smiling
Please know I'm not lying
Please know that my mask is not crying
Please,
Please, listen to me.
I'm trying to be the daughter you want me to be,
I'm trying my best to stand and take the hits you all give me,
Please
Please know that I'm trying
know that I'm trying my best to smile
I'm trying to be everything you want me to be
But I won't reach that bar that you set for me
I'm not like my siblings, yet your mindset thinks I should be
I'm sorry I frustrated you
I'm sorry I can't be me
I'm sorry for my depression
I'm sorry for my choices
I'm sorry I want to be who I want to be and not listen
I'm sorry I'm different
I'm sorry I disappoint you
I'm sorry
Please know that I'm trying

-Shannon Simpson-