I smile I’ve smiled I will always smile

I lay awake in bed 12 am 1 am 2 am no sleep mind running crazy staring into thin air I roll over get more comfortable still no sleep I pick up my phone no message I lock it re open it again no message i stare at my phone lost confused remembering a time when that one message will light up the whole room I look at old messages WhatsApp I scroll scroll and scroll then smile smile and smile apart of me is gone a new part is trying to grow but I don’t won’t it to grow I want the same thing the same person the same love the same smell the same kiss a kiss which doesn’t feel like any ordinary kiss a kiss that makes me melt inside I listen to your voice notes I laugh then put a star next to them on WhatsApp thinking about your voice makes me happy thinking is this the last time I hear your voice again I repeat it lock my phone re open it look for the message will the message ever come I play your favourite songs helps me cope deep down I’m not coping I keep it all in scared to say anything fearful of judgement I think will the pain stop will it get easier then I play your voice notes again and I smile remembering you fondly thinking of your beauty within I lock my phone this time completely I smile and pray for that message to come through