I'm tired of pretending to be fine... But I'm fine

I'm tired of this life I came to live
I'm tired of how it turned out to be
I'm so tired that I can't even find a rhyme..
I used to write a poem without stumbling over my words.
And now I find myself tired, stumped.

I wake up each day looking for purpose
I find myself lost without focus
I'm blocked off to my true emotions
Closed off to any kind of options

I hurt and I ache and break
I have nothing more that anyone can take

I'm lost in my own train of thoughts..
Letting it run away with me to places unknown
The darkness within me is more than I've ever shown

I replay unrealistic scenarios over and over again
Letting it brew into all kinds of pain
I relive old memories that broke me inside
I hurt all over again, but that's something I hide

No apologies or acknowledgement for the pain inflicted
No remorse or regret for the way I was evicted
I'm not trying to play the victim and discard the role I played
There was plenty of decisions and choices i had made

I've learned that sometimes you win and sometimes you lose
I guess that's just life, I think I just have the blues

I'm just tired of fighting a losing battle
I'm tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve
I'm tired of life being cruel and unkind
I'm just tired of it all, I'm tired

I'm tired of the screams inside
I'm tired of replaying all the tears I've cried
I'm tired of always of feeling unwanted and worthless

I'm just tired of being an option.. A choice.. A afterthought
I'm tired, disappointed, broken for all the times i fought

I see the joy in my daughter's eyes
I see the love in my daughter's smile
I see my purpose every time she laughs or cries
My daughter makes me forget, for a little while

And if nothing else works out in my life, ever again
I'm thankful for my daughter, who makes me forget.. All the pain.
I'm thankful for my daughter who makes me feel a little sane.
She makes me breathe.. Again and again and again..

So if anyone asks, I'll say that I'm fine.
Even if I'm tired of pretending to be
Even if everything is breaking in me
Even when I'm close to giving up and saying goodbye
Even when I'm crying to a point my tears run dry

I'm fine

by Wilethea Caylin Damons