I Am In Pain And In Vain I Struggle To Free Myself

CHARLES JONES
ENGLISH
I AM IN PAIN AND IN VAIN I STRUGGLE TO FREE MYSELF

I Am In Pain And In Vain I Struggle To Free Myself

I can see my face in the tears i strain to hold back,.       
But to no avail
For i am drowning in internal puddles of hell:
 
I am in pain and in vain i struggle to free myself:  

Each day i taste of happiness promised to satiate a starving heart.

 Instead i am fed woes,
 Worries,   
 Problems,
 Stress,  
 And bottomless regrets,
     
 So hollow my chest.  
 That once was a nest.       

   For a heart that no longer sounds the warrior's drum:

I am in pain and in vain i struggle to free myself:

 I dream of things that have become the wind.
 
       That cannot be seen,     
       
Yet i'm haunted by the touch that once brushed my skin,
  
 I long for the caress of understanding to strike my mind once more,
    
 For my spirit to exhort that eternal blaze to burn down this porch of wormwood i've made.  
  
 In a hell i find myself looking up from amazed:

I am in pain and in vain i struggle to free myself:

I am besieged on all sides by rumors and lies,          

Suffocating on the fumes of a scortched soul,     

       Bold the attack upon my sanity.   
        Such that the man in me would flee.     but for the strength of purpose rooted in my being      
        THAT.    
        
Prohibits fleeing in the face of adversity;

I am in pain and in vain i struggle to free myself:

 My vision is tainted by mental strains.
                      Whose intent
 To crumble the foundation i stand apon,
     
  Wildly i strike out at forces that mount against me.
       
 Ivy thoughts encircling this private box of shame,    
  
Squeezing every ounce of idiot actions to rain down upon you,    

    I shall spawn a new life of nightmares whose twilight attract only fools to see:

I am in pain and in vain i struggle to free myself:

 I take hold as the cold shiver of reality rattles my bones,
 
Tentatively i stand.
A man.  
 
 Whose fall from grace has all but consumed me,     

For lonely is the existence for a witness of truth.    
Whose cries are heard only by the darkness who swallows them,

Deep is the abyss of choices i've fallen into.
     
With no light to guide my sight

Blindly seek my way out:

I am in pain and in vain i struggle to free myself:

I am cursed with the wisdom of life's continuim of mistakes,   

A stake in evolution i can no longer claim,         For doubt has rotted my brain.   
      
And blood stains my hands with foolishness.
           Leading me down the path of damnation!         

I cringe at my binge of selfishness, that exhume my ways.    

  While i hunger for sufferings endured:
  
I am in pain and in vain i struggle to free myself:

I stare at walls in empty halls of worship.      Whose praise has elluded me,
  
 Hearing the wails of ships whose sails have long been lost at sea,

 Redemption is beyond me.   
   
A myth upon the lips of the unworthy:

I am in pain and in vain i struggle to free myself,
           From the oppression of expectations.
                                                               
©Charlesl Jones