Don't Let Me Fall..

“I think I might love you....”
Why did you have to go?                              Don’t let me fall...

    Here I am standing at the edge of the world, or what feels like the edge. I’m waiting to fall and the way down is in clear sight. As the flashbacks start, I can feel myself taking a step closer to the edge. I start to think and then quietly whisper to the wind, “I’ll miss how it felt like the earth would be standing still for us, how life would put itself on pause when I would feel your beating heart against mine. Everything would always come naturally, the intense emotions we felt, the passion we had, who knew two people could feel that deeply for one another?  As I stand here, looking out to the vast mountains and hill tops, it almost feels like you’re here with me. I can see a clear mental image of the first time we stood here together, how tightly you held my hand while towering over me with your shy smile; the sun was setting over us as we watched the light orange sky turn to a deep purple and before we knew it the night sky had dawned upon us. This seemed to be our spot, we could see everything; the distant mountains, wide open green filled grassy fields, the people that looked like ants, the sun meeting the sky line as it would slowly sink down behind the valleys. The world never seemed or felt bad when looking out at this never ending vast scene; although it feels less scary to me right now, as I’m thinking about you standing next to me while holding my hand; exactly how it was whenever we would come here. A faded memory.”  I lift my head up, facing the fiery lit sky; I take a deep breath to fight the tears that are trying to force their way through my ocean colored eyes. I softly say, as the words choke up in my throat, “Oh what a dream that was for us.”  

I can feel the warm tears against my soft cheeks, slowly sliding down my face. I try to speak to the wind clinging to my body, but I shutter, and my lips begin to quiver and I can’t say anything. I kneel down on the rocky ledge, feeling the cold hard stone against my hand. As I close my eyes and catch my breath, another flashback washes over me. Suddenly I feel myself reliving the faded memory all over again... The chilly crisp breeze wrapped around us as the ice cold ocean waves brushed against our feet; sinking our toes into the sand with every step we took, the smell of saltwater filled the air; and the moon beamed, lighting up the sky; stars following in sync. It was in this moment when I didn’t feel so small, all of my worries and fears were meaningless. As we stopped walking along the shoreline, you took my hand as we both stood frozen in our tracks, looking out to the never ending sea. I watched as you took a deep breath, unlocking our intertwined fingers; cupping my blushed red, soft cheeks in the palms of your hands and lightly pulling me closer to you. I could feel the warm heavy feeling flowing over me, knowing you felt it too; it was no secret that we always had this hidden passion for one another. You take another deep breath and lean down closer to my face, lightly whispering into my ear, I love you.. I stand paralyzed before you; taken by surprise.“I love you” you whisper once more, as I tense up with overflowing emotions. “I-I love y-you” I stuttered, as it was the first time we said these three words to each other and they flowed through my mind and body over and over again.
I always knew that it would be like this between us; hesitant yet passionate but with a hint of curiosity. I left the look out and traveled back to the place we once called home. As I walked into our cozy little house, I was greeted with the fresh reminder that I’m alone here. The house has been so quiet and indifferent since you’ve gone away. I lied down in our cozy queen size bed, I feel small in this room. My bed is filled with emptiness and wet pillow cases from the nights I cried tears that could fill an empty creek. I’ve screamed endlessly, holding my chest, waiting for this nightmare to end, but I wake up to the same realization every morning; I’ m alone. I fall asleep only to be cuddled up in blankets and some clothes of yours I couldn’t bring myself to put away. I have never wanted to live in a lifetime where you weren’t by my side, I’ve broken so many of our picture frames and figurines, things we’ve collected over the last couple of years. This anger was a fiery rage burning within me, I’m angry with myself, the world, you.. Especially you..
“I told you I had to do this, I forewarned you that this was a possibility. This is what I have to do for myself, for us love, for us. Please stop crying, you’re making it so much harder to walk away from you, I won’t be gone for long love, I promise.”  I sit up quickly, breathing heavily, it was just a dream I tell myself, the same dream I have every time I fall asleep. The words you said to me right before tragedy struck, your last words to me. I can feel my face turning hot and the tears are coming down, my ocean blue eyes have never been more puffy and red than they have these last few months.
“I need you, I love you, I’m so angry with you..”  I whisper. As I kneel down at the site where your ashes were spread, one final flashback washes over me, I let it flow through.
Here we sit in the middle of a meadow, the sun is beaming down and the skies are ever so blue and clear. I lie down next to you on the soft blanket we had put underneath us, being next to you has always unlocked my vulnerability and that’s what I loved most about you. As we watched the clouds passing by, you placed your hand on the top of my head to play with my curly, soft, brown hair and kissed my cheek. You had then sat up and said softly, “Hey, come with me for a moment love, I want to show you something.” I smiled and stood myself up, you covered my eyes with one of your bandanas to surprise me, taking me by the hand, leading us to a place which later became our second favorite spot. I could hear the snapping of twigs and crunching of leaves, ahh the fresh smell of the forest surrounded us. As we got closer, I could hear the sound of rushing water, I felt my heart exploding with excitement, I started giggling, “Shhh love, almost there” you say lovingly. I gleamed with excitement, goosebumps covered my body, you took off the bandana and my deep ocean eyes lit up with amazement. We stood in front of a waterfall that led into a sparkling crystal clear lake, with cliff edges. I stripped down only to be wearing a bra and my underwear, I ran to the cliff edge; only wearing your boxers, you followed after me. I was scared at first to jump, you gripped my hand tightly and kissed me as we counted down, and then made our big jump into the freezing cold lake as I screamed excitedly the whole way down. As we came up from below the water, you laughed at me for screaming as I then splashed you and went underwater again, you followed of course. I swam behind the waterfall and hopped on a boulder that sits perfectly where the rushing water doesn’t splash you but where the sunlight hits it just right and you can see the trees swaying away with the breeze. Shortly after you followed and looked at me with that shy loving smile of yours, your eyes were twinkling in the sunlight and pulled me in, kissing me ever so deeply. When we made our way back to our spot in the meadow, it was then when our love deepened, “I have something for you love, it’s nothing special but I’m going away soon as you know and I want you to have this.”  You held out a medium sized box, I slowly opened it, smiling wide, to see a silver chain necklace with a ruby red gemstone that glistened when I held it up in the sunlight. “Thank you, it’s beautiful, I love it. I love you.”  You smiled softly, “I love you. I’ll always be with you, and I hate that I’m doing this to you but it’s for us, you make me brave love.”
My heart sank and the tears began to stream down my cheeks, I couldn’t hold back this time, I catch my quivering lip and take a deep breath, “I still have that necklace, it lays beside me on the nightstand that holds all of the other treasures that had survived my waves of anger; ones you had given me each time we found a new spot. I hold it close to my chest from time to time, the clasp is broken from the night I got the news, I broke it off my neck. I was am still angry with you. Maybe one day this anger will subside and I can learn to be at peace with you, our love was strong, but it wasn’t enough to stop this heart wrenching tragedy. I was a free spirit with you, I loved who I was when you were in my life. I made you brave, you once said to me, I made you feel more spontaneous, as if I had given your life a purpose, something you thought you never had and you said I gave your soul a meaning in this lifetime and this is what I get; the rest of my life without you; someone I would give up anything in the world for to have you back living life with me, where you’re supposed to be, meant to be. But I have to let you go now and this isn’t fair. I’ll forgive you and myself one day, just know that I love you..” I wipe my tears and finish my goodbyes to a place I’ll see once more again, some day..