I'm Going Home Today

Im going home today and I don't know if I can face the music that I know Is coming
Is she going to look at me differently,
Is she going to treat me differently,
Are our times spent laughing and hanging out now forever changed?
Will the grass still burn and bring us out of reality,
    or has everything changed?
She knew about it before, but this time it's different
Worse I guess.
So what will happen, how will the dynamics shift...will they shift at all?
Always a friend before a parent, always a confidant before a punisher
God the years I spent wishing for the dynamics to be reversed,
        now I find myself praying
            to anyone who might hear or answer
                please don't let the dynamics shift.
Will ALL MY LIES come up to face the surface?
Or can I still retain my secrets that don't want the light...because sometimes
    sometimes things are better left in the dark.
How will I answer the questions I know she'll have,
Such easy questions to someone else,
    such easy questions to a mind not made of scribbles
But questions I know I can't answer.
Will she cry for me, blame herself for my red actions- for the bandage around my wrist?
That's not what I want...please God don't let her blame herself.
I'm going home today and I don't know if I can face the music that I know is coming
What music will play,
    it's something I'm used to controlling or at least knowing in advance.
But the tune I KNOW is coming is a mystery.
I'm going home today despite the fear and the black and red clouds behind my eyes
I'm going home today because
    because
        because
            because
                because
                            I'm not safe on my own.
I'm going home today and I don't know if I can face the music that I know is coming.
I'm not a believer
I'm not a person of fate
I'm not a person that seeks the larger
I'm not a person that longs for the good and expects the help
    But please...anyone                don't let the dynamics shift.
I'm going home today and I don't know if I can face the music that I know is coming.