I don't know anymore

And I don't know about it all,
What? will it stand or will it fall?
I didn't manage to take call,
I couldn't see the fly was slow,
A slow and steady way to die,
So much so much I wanna cry sometimes,
But nothing happens nothing comes,
I didn't think about it once,
That I will feel so easily again,
I know she doesn't care for me this way,
I know I'm not the only one to her,
I'm just a friend, and nothing more,
I guess the past did not make out,
I guess it's wistfulness and doubt,
That made me go so far for her,
A happy memory ,for sure,
The never-ending feel of pain,
The chest,the heart, I feel insane,
A lot of private chats with guys,
A lot of coldness from her eyes,
A lot of lust, a lot of sorrow,
I guess I really was a bother,
To her, to friends, to anyone who cared,
And I feel bad about that step,
That step I took along with others,
Will lead me nowhere but to shudders,
It is the end, my final line,
I'm at the train station that looks fine,
A set of boring people and gray smoke,
The destination's pretty clear,
I wanna go away and feel,
The feeling that I seem to miss,
The love,the hugs, the nuzzles and the kiss,
It really took the best of me ,
Anxiety and dread and pain it all comes down on me,
It's all my fault ,my dumb decision,
The train is nearing the collision,
I hope I will be prettier this time,
I hope I'll write until I die.