I don't just want to be skinny

I don't just want to be skinny
the sort where you have your life together
and you go to hot yoga classes
have an oat milk latte after and giggle
because you're drinking all the calories you just burned
I want people to worry about me
I want hugs that last a little too long
where they trace every bone in my back
with a hand that screams of disgust
I want the type of skinny where it hurts to get out of bed
where my lips are chapped
and my eyes are a little too glass like
I want the skinny that goes hand in hand with
black lungs and yellow teeth
I miss having to paint my nails to hide the discoloration
I think I want to be unhealthy skinny again.
I think I really just want to be pretty.