Hide and Seek

Every night I take dwell under a table,
While my insides burst open for the desire,
To come out and hug you and never let our bond disappear to the thin air,
But fear bounds me under the table,
Sometimes inside the closet,
And at times under the bed.
And while my tears kiss my cheeks,
Imagination takes me along.
Count, count, counting and counting.
Is this hide and seek? Yes, it is.
But no other mommy plays it this way.
So, when I take my hiding,
I wish to not be sought,
For when I am found,
I desire you to smile and kiss my tears away,
‘Mommy found you!’
But herein I heard your footsteps,
And embraced myself for the bloodshot eyes,
For the tired emotions,
For the alcohol reek,
And a new weapon every day.
Pain, pain, paining and paining.
Again, and again.
Bruises, more bruises.
And when you leave tired and pass out.
I kiss you goodnight and whisper you words of love.
My reflection screams an escape,
And instead of nodding I prepare a new hiding.
A new hide and seek.
More kisses,
And more pain.
But my misery doesn’t state my smile.
So when you find me,
I scream like happiness will burst out of my heart.
And I laugh and shriek,
And tell myself,
Mommy will stop counting.
And when mommy stops.
I count.
My scars and bruises.
There is so much more,
More than hiding under a table,
More than embracing myself for the pain,
More than smiling when you express your love to me,
More than counting my sorrows and griefs.
More than all that,
Because to me mommy loves me to the beyond,
And because when you stop,
I lay therein and count the reasons for my love for you.
And every day my tears fall harder,
For my reasons get lesser and lesser.
And when panic fills my heart,
My legs carry me to you.
And I kiss you,
And hug you with all my might,
And my blood stains you,
But don’t mind,
Was my blood not yours once?
And by mornings I count another reason in,
But why not mommy desires me to love her.
As one reason lessens with every scar.
And have I not lost until I counted no more,
And I hid no more,
And cried no more,
And felt no more,
For hide and seek to me was a metaphor,
A nightmare I greeted every day.
Playing and playing,
Fighting and fighting,
For a single second,
A single moment,
To see a speck of love in your eyes,
And hold your heart in my hands,
And get kissed goodnight by you.
And get sang a lullaby,
With gentle caresses.
Honest to god,
For I was kissed when I was born,
Am I that desperate for love?
For I pretend love to be pain.
Rob me off my purity,
And take away my innocence.
For I will kiss and love you anyways, Mommy.