The Train

They say, ‘let the train
take the strain’.
I am thinking , won’t it be fab
if the train
could take the
agony out of our pain?

Scores of times, possibly hundreds
that I had taken the train
from Manchester
to wherever,
wherever were my daughters
in the country here and there.

At times it’s even been a train
to catch a plane
for pleasure or more often
visiting Riga,
there studying was Jahnavi ,
my younger daughter.

Oftentimes my train journeys
were taken at short notices
to attend to some urgencies.
Oftentimes it was to do with Bonnie,
my poor older daughter
with BPD and Bipolar.

I would let the train
take away my strain
to subdue painful terrains
of my life’s journeys
from pillars to the posts
no respite from those terrifying ghosts.

My worst train journey
without a shadow of doubt
was on the 19 th of July twenty twenty
travelling with a mind of its own was my train,
whilst my mind was spiralling like a hurricane.

Outside the window of my railway carriage ,
vista of rolling hills
for once didn’t grab my attention
nor was there any connection
for me with the lush green trees,
for I was fixated to  imagined nightmarish scenarios
of what I might yet face at my destination milieu.

I despaired to rush to Bonnie,
she had declared her increasing misery
talking about dying,
because of her hog wild calamity,
life for her had become too agonising.

Even worse than that was my train next day,
another journey of panic and despair I dare say
as if the earth at my feet had swayed
and as if I was swallowed  up by the seismic energy of a quake
I just got the news of my daughter’s demise,
that too from self harm and suicide.

That train journey was more like a tornado,
spawned from powerful thunderstorms
with a mad rush of air
throwing me about in violent columns.
I reached London in utter shock,
the train had halted at the last stop,
when my turbulent journey had come to a stall.

It’s all change, all change at the terminal.
My life as I knew had also terminated
as I have arrived at a stop final,
but a new tsunami of turmoils had just begun.
It’s all change, all change in the surround.